Tit For Tat

Hey Vonda,

I’ll get right to it. I have been dating my boyfriend for about 3 years now and I love him very much. One year ago I made the huge mistake of cheating on him with a co-worker and have felt terrible about it ever since. Happily, he decided to forgive me and we moved forward with our relationship.

About a week ago,  I came home early from work and walked in on him having sex with one of our neighbors. He had no idea I was even there, so I backed out of the room. My first inclination was to go get a knife and kill both of them, but then I thought about when I cheated on him. I simply just left and haven’t said a word about it.

Am I crazy not to say anything?   I feel like I cheated on first so who am I to say anything to him?

Help Vonda!

Tit For Tat

Dear Tit For Tat,

I’m going to answer your question first…YES, you are crazy.

You talked about the fact that you cheated on him a few years ago.  If he forgave you, then it should be a non-issue moving forward.  When you forgive someone for something, that’s it.  It’s forgiven.  You should not continue to beat yourself up from a mistake you made YEARS ago.  You’re human and allowed to make them!  You learned from it (I hope) and moved on.

Now, that said, there is no way in HELL that you should let him get away with disrespecting you in YOUR home just because you feel bad about something in your past.  I don’t condone violence, but you should have definitely made yourself known along with throwing them both out!  You DO NOT have to sit and take that!  Frankly, if you start to let these types of things go, it WILL get worse because he will start to think he can do whatever he wants to you and get away with it.  Frankly, It sounds to me like the trust and respect is gone in this “relationship” and it either needs to be dealt with by therapy or ending it all together.  The two of you CANNOT continue to play these hurtful games with one another.  Either you are in or you’re out.

Hope I helped!

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!

Don’t Wanna Be A Fool…

Hey Vonda,

I have a big problem. I currently live with my boyfriend of about 5 years. We have a pretty good relationship, I mean, he has cheated on me one time, but I think we got past it. About a year ago my best friend got put out of her apartment and needed somewhere to stay, so I let her move in with us. We had an extra bedroom and really could use the extra funds.

Now, Vonda, I may be a lot of things but stupid is not one of them. My boyfriend lost his job about 4 months ago so he is here all day. I have come home and found empty condom wrappers (we don’t use them) in the couch (that he says aren’t his) and he gets strange calls on his cell phone. That’s not even the half of it though! My best friend walks around the house in her bra and panties with him there. I have told her plenty of times, that this is not cool, but she still continues to do it. I have walked in on them giggling and whispering on more than one occasion. I have questioned both of them about it, but they both shoot me down and tell me that I am way off and they are just friends. What do you think Vonda? Should I kick both of them to the curb or am I just being jealous?

Don’t Wanna Be A Fool

Dear Don’t Wanna Be A Fool,

I hate to be the one to have to tell you this but…you are being a fool.  You may not want to be one, but you are.  From me reading this letter I can tell you flat out that this whole situation stinks.

Why is it that you have a grown man in the house that isn’t providing some sort of income?  I understand times are hard for everyone, but a brother can at least get a job at McDonald’s, Walmart or whatever until something better comes along.  There is no way an able bodied man should be sitting on the couch while you are at work.

It is nice to hear that you two were able to get past his indiscretion and move forward with the relationship.  However, forgiving him of what he did to you in the past does not mean you check in your intuition either.  Really?  It’s not his?  That is the best he could do?  You said you don’t use them, so where are they coming from?  The condom fairy?  Come on girl, wake up on that one!

Now, when it comes o your “best friend”…I can think of a lot of things she is and FRIEND is not one of them!  You gave this chick a roof over her head and this is how she repays you?  Her walking around your house AND in front of your man in her bra and panties is a major violation and should warrant you throwing her ass out.  A REAL friend would NOT disrespect you the way she is!  I can’t sit here and tell you whether or not they are doing anything, but from what I read, it doesn’t look good.

Honey, I say you just kick both of their low down behinds to the curb and get on with your life.  I don’t know you personally, but I can say that you deserve a hell of a lot better that what they are giving you!

Good Luck

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!

Love vs. Logic: It’s Mathematics

Author’s Caveat: This is a personal battle right now…  Just ride it out with me…

It is my curse as a Sagittarian to be both unconditionally loving and unwaveringly logical.  Unfortunately, the two are mutually exclusive (yes, that was a nod to 8^th grade Algebra).  One has absolutely nothing to do with the other and like magnetic poles, don’t want to have anything to do with each other.  Love is not logical.  Period.

In battle, does it ever make sense to leave your left flank open?  That’s how LT broke Joe Theisman’s leg…  In the Battle of Bunker Hill, that’s how the British were defeated.  In cooking, do you ever walk away from the skillet? No, your seared ahi becomes ah crap in an instant.  When watching children, do you let them out of eye or ear shot?  You’re asking for trouble if you do.  So why in matters of human relations do we allow ourselves to be exposed, unguarded, weak, submissive and vulnerable?  Are we not asking for annihilation?  And then we want to be mad and jaded when it does happen… Humans are illogical creatures!

Here forward, I pledge Vulcan allegiance.  I give up on making sense of the heart.  I’m closing up ranks, ordering in and dismissing everything that cannot be rationally defined.  But can I really do that?  Can I walk away from believing in the one thing that makes this world continue to spin?  Can I turn my back on the little things that put those knowing smiles on every single face?  Can I really say that fluttering feeling in the pit of your stomach when you hear that person’s voice is just a hormonal/chemical disruption of your digestive process?  Can I really?

Right now I’m angry.  I’m hurt, upset and angry.  I should not be subject to that which I am and therefore should walk away.  That would make perfect sense.  I should remove myself from said damaging situation before any additional hurt can be administered.  Logic.  If you put your hand on a hot stove, it hurts. Move it. Logic.  But my heart says stand still.  Quotes from my favorite book come to mind; “Stand still and know that I am God,” “This too shall pass,” “Love is patient and kind,”… but we all know religion and logic have nothing to do with each other either!  Religion is Faith.  I guess if you think about it, so is Love.

Love is having faith that when you expose yourself, your inner self, your vulnerable self, you will be safe.  Love is having faith that even though you’ve been burned several times and the scar tissue is thick, someone knows how to gently carve it away, freeing you without destroying you.  Love is having faith in knowing the truth will actually set you free.  Love believes the impossible.

Tart Cherry Truffle: It doesn’t always have to make sense, it just is.  Keep logic in your head, not your heart.

Love & Trust

Image: Jo So Lovely on Tumblr

You can’t trust him as far as you can throw him, can you?  You already saw her pictures in his email, but he swears that’s over.  Yet every time his phone rings, you watch his face and wonder if he’s going to take it out of the room.  He says he’s going to his sister’s house, so you call an hour later just to check.    But when he holds you in his arms, all of your doubts and fears disappear.  You love him with all your heart and you know he loves you too.  You just don’t trust him.

I’ve struggled with that concept for years, Love without Trust.  I guess it’s like when you’ve gotten popped by grease enough times, you realize you can’t cook bacon without expecting it.  If you want the bacon, you have to know there is a great chance you will get popped.  When you fall in love, know you may end up not trusting that person.  Call me crazy, but that sounds ridiculous and pathetic.  Why love someone you know is probably lying to you and doing exactly what you hope they’re not doing every time they leave your sight?  Is love that strong of an emotion? In a word, Yes.

Trust issues go well beyond significant others.  It invades family relationships just as easily.  You have a hard time visiting your brother and his wife because she was your fiancée less than a year before.  Your aunt watches you like a hawk when you come over because when you were a teen, you stole money out of her purse.  Your son was just released from jail, for the second time, and wants to move back home. Again.  There’s no trust, but there is still love.

Real trust requires forgiveness.  Forgiveness requires you to forget.  But we’re human; do we really have that capacity?  Can we actually forget when someone hurts us? We can say we forgive, but if you haven’t wiped the slate clean, you haven’t truly forgiven.  And if you haven’t forgiven, you can’t truly trust.  So now what do we do? Either you continue to love while peeking around corners and hacking emails or you actually let go of the pain.  Forget it happened.  Truly forgive, not just in your mind, but in your heart.  You can’t change the past, so why live in it?  Free yourself from the hurt and worry and love with an open heart.  Cook bacon naked.

Today’s Truffle:  Life isn’t as difficult as we tend to make it.  Learn to let go.

Two,

Ms. De

About Donya: Donya Vaughn is a So Cal native, collegiate of San Diego State University and graduate of the University of Life, mastering in “Wow, That Was Harder Than It Needed To Be”. Known to her close friends as “The Walking Encyclopedia”, Donya prides herself in being helpful, knowledgeable and ready to serve. She uses these traits along with unwavering optimism and Christian good spirit regularly as owner and consultant of As You Like… Wedding & Event Services.