Posts tagged ‘Relationships’

January 18, 2011

I Ain’t Saying I’m A Gold Digger…

by Vonda Howard

Hey Vonda,

I’m writing to you to get your opinion on something.  I am 32 year old single woman with no kids that has had some terrible relationships.  I had one guy that I found out was married, one that was a habitual cheater, one that was a stalker and the last one I think was gay.  I have had nothing but bad luck in the love department.  About 6 months ago, I met a man that didn’t quite have the cuteness I go for, but he was and is a nice guy.  To add to that, he spoils me completely. Vonda, all I have to do is look at something sideways and I have it almost immediately.  He has bought me fine jewelry, clothes, bags, shoes and he wants to buy me a car.  Now, all that sounds wonderful right?  Any woman would tell me that I hit the jackpot, but…I just can’t seem to find those deep feelings for him that he has for me.  I just don’t understand it!  I don’t want to leave him because he is a nice guy (and I won’t deny that I will miss the pampering part).  What do I do?  He has recently started talking about the possibility of marriage and it sends shivers down my spine.  What do I do, Vonda? I don’t wnt to leave the best thing I have found in forever, but I don’t want to hurt him either.  Help!

I Ain’t Saying I’m A Gold Digger

Dear I Ain’t Saying I’m A Gold Digger,

I’m going to cut right to the chase…you have to make a decision now.  It’s not fair to you or him for this to continue if its all one-sided.  Trust me, I get the whole pampering thing; what women wouldn’t?  You just have to understand that as long as you stay in this relationship and let this man shower you with gifts, the deeper and deeper this hole gets.  It’s okay not to be attracted to him.  He can be the nicest thing on the planet, but if you aren’t attracted to him in that way it doesn’t make you a bad person.  Now, staying with him solely to keep soaking up his money would.  You said that you had some bad relationship experiences in the past…use this one as a template.  What I mean is, if this guy is as “good” as you say he is, now you know what to look for in the next one.  From what I read here, it doesn’t sound to me like there are mutual feelings here.  You need to sit him down and be honest with him.  Don’t do to him what the guys in past relationships did to you by being dishonest.  You never know, you MAY be able to maintain some sort of friendship with him.  It just comes down to you doing the right thing.  Hope I helped!

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!

January 8, 2011

Begin Again: Love ’11 Style

by Donya B

Better Relationships

Relationships.  What is it about the holidays that really make us focus in on relationships?  At Thanksgiving, you recognized what you have or came through and were thankful for it.  At Hanukkah, you cherished the compassion God had for His children and shared that with your families.  At Christmas, you recognized the gift God gave in His son and shared that feeling of giving and love with everyone.  At Kwanzaa, you took time to embrace the love you have for yourself, your family and your community.  At New Years, you looked back over the year and examined the good and the bad, then resolved to change your future.  We really do a lot of assessing in a month!

But then what? Did all of your assessing and examining and contemplating make a difference in your relationships?  Did it make a difference that will last more than the “holiday season”?  What is it you will do differently with your loved ones in this new year that you didn’t do last year?  Here’s a short list to help you get an idea of things you can do to nurture and grow all of your relationships.  Feel free to comment back with more!

  1. Listen.  You have two ears and one mouth… Need I finish the thought?
  2. Communicate.  Once you’ve listened, convey to others how you feel, what you think, what you want and what you can do.  Not selfishly, but constructively.
  3. Act.  Words are important, but we all know actions speak much louder.  Do the things you know are important to someone else to show them that you do care and you were listening.
  4. Follow Through.  Nothing is more disappointing than words with no action.  Don’t say it if you don’t intend to do it.  We all fall short sometimes, but choosing to fall before you even try is inexcusable.  And if for some reason you can’t follow through, see #2!  Communicate that!
  5. Believe.  Having faith can move mountains.  And I don’t just mean that spiritually. Believing in others motivates them to do miraculous things.
  6. Invest.  Some of you may have heard this analogy before.  A chicken and a pig look at breakfast two different ways.  A chicken participates, but a pig invests.  Be the pig.
  7. Love.  Why did I list this last? Because doing #1 – #6 shows others #7.  It’s easy to say you love someone, but if you’re not listening, communicating, acting, following through, believing and investing, then are you really loving?  Showing someone you love them requires you to consciously do all of the above regularly, not just when you want something or the calendar tells you to.

Consider these things in all of your relationships – lovers, spouses, parents, children, religion, family, friends, co-workers, strangers passing on the street.  YOURSELF.  See how much of a difference you can make in someone else’s life this year by showing them the love they need.  Start with You and spiral outward.  Touch as many lives as you can and watch the love grow!

It is here that I bid you adieu.  In case you don’t hear from me in the following weeks (though I’ll do my best to pop in at my appointed time), don’t take it personal.  My little prince, my Bug, my son Mylan Jamaal Vaughn is due to show his face in the coming weeks so I may be a tad bit occupied.  Doesn’t mean I don’t love you! Just means I have to focus somewhere else for a moment…  Happy New Year and God Bless!

Two,

Ms. De

About Donya:

Donya Vaughn is a So Cal native, collegiate of San Diego State University and graduate of the University of Life, mastering in “Wow, That Was Harder Than It Needed To Be”. Known to her close friends as “The Walking Encyclopedia”, Donya prides herself in being helpful, knowledgeable and ready to serve. She uses these traits along with unwavering optimism and Christian good spirit regularly as owner and consultant of As You Like… Wedding & Event Services.

December 28, 2010

You Are Not The Father!

by Vonda Howard

Hey Vonda,

I am writing to you with a dilemma.  I have been with my now husband for 3 years and am very much in love.  There is just one huge cloud hanging over my head.  Three years ago when I met him, I was also still dating an on and off boyfriend.  Right at the beginning of our relationship, I got pregnant.  He didn’t hesitate to step up and it only made me fall for him harder.  The only thing he didn’t know was that I had still been sleeping with my ex and there was a very good chance that my daughter could be his.  I didn’t want to alert him when there was no need, so after my daughter was born I had a DNA test done without his knowing.  Vonda, my heart fell to a million pieces when it came back that he was not the father!  I could not bring myself to break his heart.  He had already fallen in love with her.  I did, however tell the other guy and he agreed to not say anything and let my, now husband, continue to believe she was his. He comes around often because I told my husband that he was my cousin. They have actually become good friends.

It is getting harder and harder to keep this a secret.  Her biological father is getting antsy because he wants to have a bigger role in her life and hates that she calls my husband “dada”.  What should I do, Vonda?  Should I tell him that the daughter he adores really isn’t his?  How do I even utter the words?

Dear He Is Not The Father,

All I can say is, are you serious?  I’m not sure what you want me to say here. I’m going to blunt.  You have essentially made a fool of this man.  It is obvious that he is a decent man if he didn’t ask any questions and TRUSTED YOU when you told him you were pregnant early in the relationship.  Most guys would have screamed paternity test.  (Which obviously is what he should have done!)  There is no way that you will be able to justify with me your lying to this man and letting him believe that the guy you are passing off as your cousin is actually an ex-boyfriend whom is the true father of the daughter he thinks is his.  WHAT??  I don’t have to spend a lot of time on telling you what to do, actually, I think YOU KNOW what it is you HAVE TO do.  You will have to tell this man the truth.  He deserves it.  Now, what he decides to do once you drop this bomb on him, you will just have to deal with.  It would have been much better if you had told him from the start that there was a chance this little girl wasn’t his and prevented the impending heartbreak you about to give. Also, what kind of man allows another man to “play daddy” with his child?  Either you want to be totally in your child’s life or you don’t.

I am going to be very direct when I say that you deserve for him to leave you.  Yep, I said it.  The fact that you would not only lie to him for three years, but that you would actually allow him to become friends with the man you cheated on him with and fathered the child he thinks is his is just plain low-down!  You claim that you “love” this man, but these are not the actions of a woman that truly knows what love is.  Bottom line…tell the man the truth and deal with the consequences.

Good luck,

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!


December 7, 2010

Ready For Love

by Vonda Howard

Dear Vonda,

I am exhausted.  I am a beautiful, smart, independent woman and cannot understand why it is that I can’t find a decent man!  It has gotten to the point now where I am just about ready to give up on the idea of ever really, truly being in love.  Yes, I have met guys that were nice, but the connection wasn’t there and I don’t know why.  I saw that you are married and have been for the past 14 years…how did you do that?  How did you know you were in love with your hubby and that it would last for so long?  I am starting to get desperate, Vonda.  I want REAL LOVE like in the movies.  I want that perfect guy that will sweep me off my feet and make my heart flutter, I just seem to keep on crapping out.  Please help me Vonda…how do you know when you are in love and how can I find it?

Sincerely,

Ready For Love

Dear Ready For Love,

I have had this question posed to me quite a few times and I’ve heard women say that they are “ready for love”, but are you? You said that you have met nice guys, but there was no connection.  Why not?  Could it be that you are too busy looking for Mr. Perfect?  I truly think that sometimes as women we look for that FICTIONAL romance on the TV screens and on movie screens and totally miss the mark in REAL LIFE.  Remember, the romances on screen are scripted, edited and cut to make them look pleasing.  Real love is a lot messier than that.  If you are holding the men you meet up to that standard on the screen, no wonder you are having troubles!

When I met my husband we were both at the point in our lives where we were open and receptive to finding that one person that we wanted to go the long haul with.  Neither one of us went into the relationship with way out expectations of the other, actually, we didn’t even meet face-to-face until 2 weeks after our first contact.  We had no idea what the other looked like on the other end, but we knew from getting to really know one another that there was some sort of connection there that we wanted to explore.  As far as how we have stayed in together for so long, it just boils down to being realistic and REALLY understanding that no marriage or person is perfect and learning to choose your battles.   If you are out there looking for prince charming to ride in on that white horse…then honey, I hope you have a pillow and comfy shoes because you will be waiting forever.  There is no one template for Mr. Wonderful.  He is different for every woman.  YOU just have to be open and flexible enough in your expectations to recognize him when he enters the room.  (He may not be on that horse either, he may show up on the next bus.)

Finding and recognizing love has no specific formula. It builds with time and getting to know and respect one another.  Love should not cause you to change who you are and love definitely shouldn’t hurt.  So, my advice to you is to stop looking for the fairy tale romance because that’s just what it is…a fairy tale.  To me, REAL LOVE once you find it is much better.  :o)

Good Luck!

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!

December 4, 2010

Just Say It…

by Donya B

a childs gratitudeWith Thanksgiving behind us and Christmas right around the corner, we traditionally set aside this time for reflecting on those things that we are thankful for, so it seems appropriate to speak on gratitude.  For those in good relationships, be thankful that you have a kindred soul to share your world with.  For those entering new relationships, be thankful that you have a like heart and mind to begin a new chapter of your life with.  For those who have just fallen out of a relationship, be thankful that you had the insight to free yourself (or that you were released) from that experience with sound mind and body.  And lastly, for those who aren’t in any of those situations, be thankful that you have yourself and your God to love and appreciate you.  We all have something to be thankful for, even if it takes a while to figure out what it is.

I have a dear friend who dreaded going into this holiday season.  Her family is across country; her mother has been with God for many years now; her marriage officially ended earlier this year…  She felt so alone because of all she didn’t have.  I felt for her, though I can’t say I felt her pain because I have never been in that place myself.  But I reminded her that even though those things were gone, she has a wealth of things at her fingertips.  She turned her focus there, then we spent the day enjoying the craziness of my family.  Even though it wasn’t her people or her place or her tradition, she felt loved and at home and welcomed.  The way you’re supposed to feel at the holidays.  Sometimes it’s just recognizing what you do have that makes all the difference.

Think on it: How often do you say Thank You?  How many times over the course of a day do you let those two little words slip from your lips? If someone holds a door for you instead of just letting it close in your face, do you say thank you?  If someone picks up something you dropped, do you express your gratitude?  Do you wake up and realize you have activity of your body and just say thank you?  Gratitude in your heart becomes gratitude in your actions and that enriches your soul!

Ok, Ms. De, we get it, but what does all of this have to do with relationships?  If you knew how many times I’ve heard someone say, “He just doesn’t appreciate me, ” or “ She takes what I do for granted,” you’d fully understand.  Gratitude, thankfulness, appreciation… they go well beyond being mere courtesies.  They are the glue that holds people together.  You’d be amazed at how far that little bit of fuel can take you.  As a matter of fact, give it a try! Make a point of saying Thank You several times today.  Make a point of showing your gratitude and appreciation at every opportunity.  See how much better you feel (yes, make it selfish) by saying thank you to the cashier or your bus driver.  Then imagine how much better it makes them feel… Warm fuzzies… bask in it for a second…

So on that note, I thank you, each of you who read this and any of my other posts.  Your patronage gives me a reason to keep exercising my writing muscles, sharpening my wit and observing life from new perspectives.  I appreciate you!

Two,

Ms. De

About Donya:

Donya Vaughn is a So Cal native, collegiate of San Diego State University and graduate of the University of Life, mastering in “Wow, That Was Harder Than It Needed To Be”. Known to her close friends as “The Walking Encyclopedia”, Donya prides herself in being helpful, knowledgeable and ready to serve. She uses these traits along with unwavering optimism and Christian good spirit regularly as owner and consultant of As You Like… Wedding & Event Services.

November 20, 2010

When to Mend?

by Donya B

Broken hearted

In my time here, we’ve looked at relationships from every sort of angle, even the final cut.  But what about the possibility of a sequel?  It may not have gone right the first time, but who’s to say it can’t be fixed and work right the next time?  Where is it written that you can never go back?  I had an X who said he never took steps backward, yet we dated three different times in our lives because he was certain that I was the one he “shouldn’t have let go”.  I’ve seen marriages reconcile after years of separation.  I’ve known people who’ve remarried their former spouses because they had changed.   So there is plenty of proof out there that what was wrong can be righted.  But when is it worth it?

Some break-ups need to stay broken.  Abusive relationships, for example, should not on any grounds be rekindled.  The mental damage alone can never be salved and will always linger, even if the offender “has changed”.    Some say unfaithful relationships shouldn’t be fixed.  If he cheated on you before, he’ll cheat on you again… Yes, that is quite valid, but is it always true?  If she cheated with you, she’ll cheat on you…  So is that to say someone who has fidelity issues never deserves a second chance?  Can a behavior like that be retrained?  My guess would be that it can, depending on the nature of the retraining.  Caveat:  if one of you is still married and the other is not the spouse, then no… let’s not try to work that out.

Then there are those relationships that just plain fell apart.  The little things built up and became one BIG thing and everything just exploded.  You couldn’t stand the way he chewed… Her bra hanging on the doorknob drove you nuts… The way he’d finish your sentences annoyed you to no end…  If she sided with your mother one more time, you were going to lose it… And that damn toilet seat!! Enough is enough!  Gotta shake this spot now and leave it shook!

But then he calls you a week later just to see how you’re doing.  You listen to the message five times before deciding not to call him back.  You spot her across the grocery store, and linger around even though you’ve got what you need, just to be able to see her.  What’s making you hold on?  Is it the memories of all the good times?  Is it all the things you planned to do together?  Is it the emptiness you feel when you’re sitting at home alone?  If you break it down and realize you’re not pining for that person, but a person to fill that space, then no, it’s not worth mending.  But if your mind is filled with that person, and only that person, you know you want to make it work.  So do it.  You won’t know until you try whether or not your feelings are just yours or if she’s on the same wavelength, but too proud to say.

“Send her roses, just because… If it’s violins she loves, let them play… If you need her so much more, why don’t you say? Maybe she has it in her mind that she’s just wasting her time.  Ask her to stay, find one hundred ways!” – James Ingram

Two,

Ms. De

About Donya:

Donya Vaughn is a So Cal native, collegiate of San Diego State University and graduate of the University of Life, mastering in “Wow, That Was Harder Than It Needed To Be”. Known to her close friends as “The Walking Encyclopedia”, Donya prides herself in being helpful, knowledgeable and ready to serve. She uses these traits along with unwavering optimism and Christian good spirit regularly as owner and consultant of As You Like… Wedding & Event Services.

November 16, 2010

Tortured Beauty

by Vonda Howard

Dear Vonda,

Can you please explain something to me?  Why is it that women are so jealous?  I can honestly say that I have never really had good relationships with women.  I will admit that I have always been a very attractive person, as a child and now, but I am also very friendly and humble.  Every time I get close to a female and attempt a friendship, things always go south.  So, I decided to just focus on having guy friends.  Now, I get flack on that side too from their wives, and girlfriends!

Vonda, I am NOTHING but friends with these guys.  There is no hanky-panky at all.  Some of the guys have told me that their women have an issue when I hang out with them and want to get them to tell me to stay back!  What?  So, here’s the question:  Should I jeopardize really good friendships for a few jealous chicks?

Tortured Beauty

Dear Tortured Beauty,

I have actually heard this from a lot of women before.  In fact, I’m one of them.  There is nothing wrong with having platonic male friendships, I actually think guys are more fun to deal with.  No,w on the other side, I do still have very close girlfriends.  The fact that you don’t concerns me.  You should still be able to maintain relationships with your female counterparts on some level!  This is a case of “what or WHO is the common denominator in this equation?”.  You need to really look back at each of the failed relationships and try to honestly figure out what you might have done (or not done) to contribute to its demise.  Once you do that, you may actually figure out what the problem is.

Now, as far as the girlfriends of you buddies…you have to fall back on that one.  Like I said before, I have guy friends that I consider some of my best friends, but I always…always remain respectful to their wives and girlfriends.  Have you made an effort to really get to know them on some level?  Are you awkward around them?  When you call for the guys do you speak to them also?  From your description of yourself, you say there is some humility there, but proclaiming how attractive you are in the second sentence of your letter says otherwise.  Maybe they are picking up on a little of that too.  I  say if you really care about these friendships, make yourself known to these women and let them see that you aren’t after their guys!

Good luck!

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!

October 26, 2010

Payback is a b***h!

by Vonda Howard

Hey Vonda,

Recently I broke up with my jerk of a boyfriend and was more than happy to do it. He SOON AFTER started dating this woman that I have had an ongoing feud with for years. Vonda, I can actually say that I cannot stand this woman…and I could not be happier that they are together.

Now, not to long ago, he started calling me and trying to make his way back into my pants and I have (on more than one occasion) told him to hit the bricks and go back to his chicken-head. She even had the nerve to tell me to stay away from “her man”! I never laughed so hard!

Vonda, these are the two people I can honestly say I hate in this world. I thought about playing him, making him leave her ass and then dumping his ass. Would I be wrong for giving in to this little bit of revenge for myself?

Payback is a b**ch!

Dear Payback is a b**ch!,

Are you sure you are over this guy?  I know if it was someone that I “hate”, the LAST thing I would want to do is be close to them again!  I understand the feeling to want to get back at someone that has been a negative part of your life, but revenge never really pays off.

The fact that he started calling you again after (I assume) you had a nasty breakup means that somewhere  in him he feels comfortable enough to approach you about getting back together.  Why?  I would take time to look at that.  What are you doing or saying that could possibly be giving him the green light?

The best thing I can tell you is to put space between you and these people.  Plotting some revenge or scheme to get back at them for whatever they did will only prolong YOUR suffering and possibly make your experiences with them even more of a pain.  I say let him know once and for all that you and him are over and move on with your life!  Spend your time and energy on positive people!

Vonda



About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!

%d bloggers like this: