Archive for September, 2010

September 28, 2010

I Want Him So Bad!

by Vonda Howard

Hey Vonda,

My boyfriend won’t talk to me. I go to his house every day but he won’t let me in.  I call his phone 15 times a day and he tells me to leave him the hell alone and hangs up. I run up to him when he goes to his car to drive to work, crying, to tell him I’m in love with him, but he grabs me and physically pushes me out his car and speeds off. One day his sister thought it was okay, so she let me in the house but I never left.  He was so upset to find me in his bed that he called the police, but I didn’t get arrested.  He wants me to sign a paper agreeing to be far from him but I can’t. Why does he have no heart? What can I do so he will love me and want me? We never went out but there’s always hope…

I Want Him So Bad

Dear I Want Him So Bad,

I am speechless.  I had to read this letter more than once to convince myself that this wasn’t a joke.  Honey, I am going to be blunt here…you need to seek help…NOW.  It is so obvious that this man does not want you!  What is it going to take for you to realize that?  The man tells you to “leave him the hell alone”, he doesn’t answer your calls, and he almost got you arrested.  Frankly, I wish you had been arrested so you can get the help you obviously need.

You said that he wants you to sign something saying you have to stay away from him…sweetie, that is a RESTRAINING ORDER.  Which means the he obviously is afraid of you in some way.   To top it off, you say that you two have never even been out on a date???  WHAT???   You stayed in his house when he wasn’t home and waited for him in his bed??  You are lucky he didn’t shoot you!  Honey, how is he your boyfriend?  It’s not that “he has no heart”, he doesn’t know you and at this point i’m pretty sure he doesn’t even remotely want to.  My advice to you is to first, seek the help of a therapist or psychiatrist.  The behavior you are asking me about is a serious cry for help.  I’m sure there are some underlying issues to deal with here.    Also, try finding a hobby or extracurricular activity that will help you focus on other things.

I may have come off a bit brash in response to your letter, but I am truly thinking of you here.  You can only push someone but so far and I think he is reaching his limit.  The last thing you want is for him to start (if he hasn’t already) feeling like he needs to defend himself; which could be detrimental to you.  I understand being deeply attracted to someone, but the feeling has to be reciprocated before a relationship can develop!  So, leave him and his family alone and seek help so you can all move on with your lives.  Praying for you!

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!

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September 27, 2010

Why Weight Loss Surgery Isn’t for Me

by M Stagg | The Voluptua Project™
Gastric Banding

Gastric Banding - Image via Wikipedia

Greetings TVP Fam!

For the past day or so I’ve been involved in a discussion over at the official page of TVP on Facebook and on Curvy Goddess Lounge. In this discussion we are talking about weight loss surgeries and the dangers they pose. Everyone is different and what works for each of us that are on a path of increased health through weight loss varies. For me, I know that procedures such as Gastric Bypass and the Lap-Band System just would not work for me and here’s why:

It’s Just Too Darn Dangerous

The Lap-Band site lists over 30 complications and risks involved with their product including:

  • Spleen or liver damage (with the spleen sometimes needing to be removed
  • Weight regain
  • Death

Granted, all medical procedures have risk but I’m just not convinced that the benefits outweigh them. Especially when there are simpler alternatives available for me.

It’s Expensive

According to the bariatric weight loss surgery guide site AnneCollins.com, the average cost of gastrointestinal surgical procedures is about $25,000. You can by a gym membership (which averages about $40-$60 a month) for life!

Fortunately, because of the severity of the obesity epidemic in America, many insurance companies are beginning to pay for the procedure (It’s how my mom was able to afford the Lap-Band surgery).  I just can’t – and won’t – shell out that kid of money for a procedure that is unlikely to work for me.

It Doesn’t Address the Real Underlying Issue

For me, the biggest reason I wouldn’t invest in weight loss surgery is that it is an external means of addressing what is for many an internal issue. The surgery will have short-term success but in the long run, if the underlying problems associated with being overweight aren’t addressed then it will eventually lead you right back to square one.

In high school, I weighed close to what I weigh now which was close to 400 lbs. While I made up my mind to loss weight and get healthier I realize in retrospect that I wasn’t doing if for myself. I was doing it to please everyone but myself and even though I lost close to 250 lbs. I gained it all back because I didn’t address certain issues I had about my body, my weight and my eating habits.

To Each His Own

Weight loss surgery isn’t for me. I refuse to go under the knife to “get skinny”. Some people may see it as their only option to lose weight. Whatever you decide, for those of you considering surgery as a weight loss option, please do your research before committing to doing anything. Talk with your doctor, your family or a trusted friend and ask yourself “Am I doing this for me? Is there a safer way to lose this weight? Do I really want this?”

I’s sure there are people who both agree and disagree with my stance on weight loss surgery. I urge everyone to share their experiences and opinions in the comments below.

September 21, 2010

Stuck

by Vonda Howard

Couple mad

Hey Vonda-

Hoping you can help me with my situation.

A little background first. I’ve been with my boyfriend for quite a few years. The first few years that we were together, I was cool with his sister and it seemed like she was cool with me. I was in undergrad on my way to graduate school and she was struggling to, well not to be a bum.  She started dating this alcoholic loser who could practically be her father and her entire family shunned him. I was of the “let’s get to know him” group and so my boyfriend and I had them over for dinner. Everything was cool until it was time for them to go. Our entryway wasn’t big enough to have more than two people putting on their shoes, so my boyfriend and his sister went outside while her boyfriend remained and put his shoes on. When he was done I expected him to go outside as well, but he stood up and locked the door! He unlocked it after a couple seconds, but then kept doing it (and wouldn’t leave) until I practically kicked him out. Needless to say, I don’t feel completely comfortable around him anymore.

The next year, I needed some assistance with housing because I was not allowed to work at all during my first year of school so my boyfriend and I moved into a house that was available.  At the time, his sister wanted to move in as well, but because she wanted to bring her boyfriend, my boyfriend said no. Flash forward a year, some ugly stuff happens and it gets to the point that I move out (but my boyfriend stays) and his sister moves in.  Now my boyfriend will ONLY come to see me. Whenever I offer to reverse the situation, there  is always some excuse.  The thing that kills me is he will complain to me about her boyfriend being there and talk stuff about what he wants to do and he’ll talk to his sister while he is there, but will never kick him out (even though he has a warrant out for his arrest), but he’ll put his foot down and refuse to let me come over to the place where I called home for over a year. Am I wrong to be upset, and if not, how do I express my feelings to my boyfriend without emasculating him (I do that more often than I realize according to my boyfriend)? Please, please help because I am keeping all of this inside until I can find the best way to express my feelings.

Yours Truly,

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

There is some holes in this story that would really help me fully understand what is going on (like, what was the “ugly stuff” that caused you to move out?), but I will go off what you gave me.

You may not want to hear this, but it sounds to me like he is trying to keep the peace.  I’m assuming you told him about the crazy encounter you had with his sister’s boyfriend and he knows how you feel, so it sounds to me like he is trying to keep space between you two.  I know that there had to be a bit of tension after all that went down and you both turned down his sister moving in; which puts him right smack in the middle.  I can only assume that when you guys moved into this house you were splitting the bills, so when you moved out someone had to be there to fill the void, which his sister fit perfectly.

The best thing I can tell you is to not “bust his balls”.  Sounds to me like he is trying to keep some level of peace in his life.  Is it REALLY that important that you see him at the house?  I mean, like you said, you moved out, so he has the right to decide how things go there.  Frankly, It’s probably more intimate and personal at your place because it’s just the two of you.  Why would you want to go be around them anyway if the sister’s boyfriend makes you uncomfortable?

Now, like I said, there is a chunk of info missing from your letter, so I don’t know if there are some trust issues here or what.  Has the boyfriend continued to act inappropriately towards you?  How is your relationship with his sister?

I say that you guys sit down and TALK about trying to find a happy medium that works for you both. If it’s really bothering you, you should definitely TALK to him about it because holding it in and holding your tongue will only created a wedge between the two of you.

Hope I helped!

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!

September 20, 2010

Let the Haters Hate

by M Stagg | The Voluptua Project™
Jill Scott Performing at the 2007 Black Lily F...

Image via Wikipedia

At some point in your life someone is going to criticize you. They won’t like the shape of your body. They won’t like the clothing you wear. They may not like the fact that you are seated next to them on the bus or train. There doesn’t need to be a justifiable cause for the way these people act toward you. We are all born to do something in our lives. For some, that thing is being a hater.

Let the Haters Hate

It’s futile to try to get a Hater to change their opinion of you. Sure, you could politely ask them why they feel the way they do but the answer will neither validate their judgement of you nor does their opinion matter. When you get to the core of it all, the person judging you (or when you judge others; it works both ways) is doing so because of some deep seated “flaw” they perceive about themselves.

Love Conquers All

The best thing to do when someone rolls their eyes at you, giggles as you pass by or says/writes something negative about you is smile. As Jesus said: “Forgive them for they know not what they do”. The Dhammpada states:

Not by hate is hate defeated;
Hate is quenched by love.
This is the eternal law.

Dhammapada 5

Nothing is more baffling to a naysayer than your unwillingness to feed their hate with more hate. It’s like a fire starved of oxygen; with no fuel it has no choice to find another fuel source or cease to exist.

So the next time someone makes a hateful comment about your body, your clothing, your smile or anything else about you simple smile and proudly state that you are happy with the you that you are and keep it moving! 🙂

For your viewing pleasure:

Hate on Me Lyrics

September 18, 2010

These Three Words

by Donya B
Salvador (BA) - O Cantor Stevie Wonder fala na...

Image via Wikipedia

The three words that typically run around in the minds pregnant women are, “Feed Me Now!” and “I Gotta Pee!”  But those aren’t exactly the ones I’m referring to right now.  The three words she should have swimming in her head, bathing her mind and soothing her psyche should be, “I love you.”  Actually, that’s what should be in all of our minds every minute of every hour of every day.  There is someone we encounter each moment of our lives that we should be able to extend to or receive from this extremely powerful statement.

We all have family, friends and loved ones that we can say this too without hesitation, but have you ever considered saying it to a complete stranger?  Why would you?  What is it that love means to you that you would extend this cordiality to someone you know nothing about?  How about this one: simply because they are a living, breathing, sentient human being.  I know it seems a little weird, but just follow me here for a second…

I was in a discussion group online not long ago and the conversation started to get heated.  To assuage the situation, I told the instigator that simply because she had such passion, such determination, and was a fellow human being in a similar situation to myself that I loved her.  I loved that she felt the way she did, but it was okay that others in the conversation didn’t share in her conviction.  Some laughed, thinking I was “pacifying the baby”, others rolled eyes.  But I was serious.  I genuinely felt a love for her and her plight enough to tell her that.  And you know what?  The argument stopped.

The power of life and death is in your tongue, so says the Word.  You have the power to create, destroy, build up and tear down simply by your words.  You possess a weapon of mass destruction or ultimate healing in your mind and in your mouth.  Can you imagine what you could do with it?  How often do you tell yourself that you love you?  Not because you look exceptionally hot at that particular moment or because you accomplished something amazing, but just because you felt like hearing it?  I always tell you to love yourself first and others will love you too, so start the 3 Word Campaign right there.  In the mirror.  Look yourself dead in the eye and sincerely say, “I love you” and feel the power it brings… Then take that power and go out into the world, look someone else in the eye and sincerely say, “I love you.” Whether they accept it or not, you just created joy.  Keep going!

Relationships are bonds between two people; not defined by gender, race, creed, color, religion, nationality, political ideology, age, social status, income or anything else.  Simply between two people.  Go out and create, rebuild or strengthen some relationships today.  Tell someone you love them and mean it!  Look right here… I love you!

Two,

Ms. De

Sweetest Truffle:  I know you hear it too… Stevie Wonder’s “These Three Words”… Listen to it sometime if you haven’t heard it lately.  Awesome words from an awesome man!


About Donya:

Donya Vaughn is a So Cal native, collegiate of San Diego State University and graduate of the University of Life, mastering in “Wow, That Was Harder Than It Needed To Be”. Known to her close friends as “The Walking Encyclopedia”, Donya prides herself in being helpful, knowledgeable and ready to serve. She uses these traits along with unwavering optimism and Christian good spirit regularly as owner and consultant of As You Like… Wedding & Event Services.

September 14, 2010

Not Going To Let Her “Take It There”

by Vonda Howard

Diary
Hey Vonda,

I hope this letter finds you well.  I’ll get right to my question.  I am the mom of a beautiful, yet nerve strangling 16 year old girl.  Now, I say that, but she really doesn’t give me any other issues that any other normal teen girl would.  I have noticed that recently she has taken in interest in one particular little boy.  I taught my daughter well about standards, so he is not a “thug” or a “hoodrat”.  I actually met him a few times and he is a very well mannered young man.

Herein lies the issue…I was coming out of the bathroom and overheard her and a girlfriend that was visiting at the time, talking about this boy.  Her girlfriend asked her if they were going to “take it there” and she answered that she was thinking about it!!  I cannot say how mortified I was!

Vonda, we have a great relationship and we talk about everything, but she has not come to me about any of this.  Sure, we talk about boys and crushes, but she hasn’t said a word about having sex.  I had a friend tell me to, in essence, snoop on her (i.e. read her diary, listen to her calls, etc.) and I am not sure how I feel about that.  I want to give my daughter some level of privacy, but I want to make sure she is on the right path also.  What do you think?

Dear “Not Going To Let Her “Take It There”,

I can totally understand how hearing these things can set you into panic mode because I have a teen daughter myself.

First, I applaud you for not bursting into her room and losing your mind when you heard it.  From what I read in your letter, it sounds like you have done a great job raising her.  It’s natural for a girl her age to begin to start wondering about sex and boys and you want to make sure you keep the relationship open like it is now.  The LAST thing you want to do is destroy any trust between the two of you.  Snooping in her diary and listening to her calls would do just that.  The best way to handle this in my opinion is to reiterate to her that she can talk to you about any and everything.  Plan some Girl’s Day Outs, go out to dinner together and engage her in conversations.  You DON’T want to come down on her for something she may not have even done yet.  Don’t let on that you heard or know anything, just start some conversations about sex as a whole and of course how to stay safe.  Frankly, you only really heard one small piece of the conversation, “take it there” could mean something totally different from what you are thinking.

You can also set someone both of you trust (a Aunt, older cousin, friend) in her path too to be that extra ear also.  This way, if there is something that she may be a little uncomfortable talking with you about, she has another trusted outlet to go to.  Like you said, you talk about everything and she has not said a word about having sex.

Take it from someone that got “snooped” on, it is a MAJOR breech of trust and privacy and it will only put a huge gap between you and make things a whole lot more difficult.  Good luck!

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!


September 11, 2010

Put some dirt on it…

by Donya B
I just noticed I have a bad habit of posting 3...

Image via Wikipedia

Remember when you were a kid and you stood at the top of a hill thinking, “This would be so fun to run down!”  Then you started running… And it was fun!  The speed, the exhilaration, the adrenaline rush… until you realized you couldn’t stop.  There were no brakes on this happy train other than that prickly bush right in front of you.  Your mind starts racing faster than your heart… Your feet try to dig in to stop your momentum… Your eyes dart left to right, trying to find a softer escape route… Nothing.  Gravity takes control and first you fall, rolling and tumbling, scraping your arms and legs, then you plow head first right into the branches.  It takes a few dazed and confused moments before you realize it’s over.  But you’re safe now.  The hard part is over; you just have some recovery to do.  The scrapes and bruises will remind you for a while of the adventure, but eventually, they will fade away.  The memory will still be there and there may be a couple of scars, but the pain is gone, the ache is gone and the moment is gone.

That’s the anatomy of a break-up.  From the top of the hill, everything is beautiful, exciting and right at your fingertips.  It’s fresh and wonderful and you can’t wait to experience more.  But it’s exploring the strange without the good sense to take it slowly and carefully that causes problems.  Once the momentum builds and things start to go wrong, they will keep going wrong.  And by the time you recognize that things have gone wrong, it’s normally too late to stop it.  That’s when the pain starts.  In some cases, it’s quick, like a paper cut, but sometimes the blade is heavier causing deep wounds.  The silver lining in all of this:  the pain does stop.  You do find the strength to get up out of that bush, dust yourself off, rub some dirt on it and keep steppin’.  Sure, you know it’s going to burn like hell when you rinse it off and medicate it, but understand that’s just a second’s displeasure that’s necessary to begin the healing process.

I fell down that hill on a fourth grade field trip (incidentally, I was pushed!) and I know someone fell down that hill sitting in their living room last night.  But just like I did, you can get up, wipe the tears from your cheeks and chalk it up as a lesson learned.  I haven’t forgotten that helpless feeling, I haven’t forgotten the searing pain of the skin shredding off my arms, but the scars are gone and I have healed.  You will too.  Just hold on and keep breathing, keep praying, keep believing.  It hurts like hellfire right now, but it will pass; He told  me so.

Two,

Ms. De

Lindt Truffle: No words of wisdom, just the comfort of a delicious piece of chocolate.  From me to you – I love you.

September 10, 2010

Dispelling Makeup Myths Part II

by Elegance Makeup: Looks By Uhuru
Assorted cosmetics and tools

Image via Wikipedia

Back in July, makeup guru Uhuru Freeman of Elegance Makeup offered her insight into several makeup myths. Today, she continues to provide the truth behind what is and what isn’t good makeup practices. So – let’s get to it!

Myth # 1: Warm, yellow tones of foundation are the most flattering


TRUE:

This is true if you have yellow-toned skin. Pink-toned skin should wear pink-toned foundation.     Foundation needs to match your skin perfectly. Always test color on your jaw line, so that you can compare to both your face and your neck. Wearing foundation which does not match your skin tone will result in a mask-like appearance. Foundation is designed to look like flawless skin, not foundation.

Myth # 2: Concealer should always be lighter than your foundation


FALSE:

Concealer has many uses and its tone depends on its use. Use a lighter-toned concealer for under eye

circles to counteract the shadow and cover blemishes using a similar tone to your foundation.

Myth # 3: Blush is for adding color, not definition


TIE:

It can be used to add warmth to your face, shape and contour, enhance cheekbones or make your face

appear thinner. More neutral cheek color tones can also be used to contour other areas of the face,

such as the jaw line, temples and the sides of the nose.

Myth # 4: You should never pluck hairs from the top of your eyebrows


FALSE:

Plucking stray hairs on top is fine, however, I recommend that you do not stray too much from their

natural framing arch.

Myth # 5: You must always wear foundation


FALSE:

You do not ‘have’ to wear foundation, let alone apply it to your entire face. It can be simply used to

cover up a few blemishes or smooth out skin tone in certain areas. Apply it where you feel you need

it and blend well. If the foundation tone matches your skin well enough, you won’t have to smooth it

over your whole face. For a strong coverage, apply it to the entire face.

Myth # 6: You cannot wear eyeshadow the same color as your eyes

FALSE:

Contrasting colors do make your eyes stand out more, but that does not mean that blue eyes cannot

wear blue eyeshadow, for example. Here are some ideas for contrasting eyeshadow colors to try:

Brown eyes: turquoise, mauve/lilac, purple, gold, bronze, silver

Green/Hazel eyes: dark blue, purple, mauve/lilac, silver, turquoise

Blue/Violet eyes: gold, bronze, copper, pink, peach, chocolate

Myth # 7: You are either a ‘cool’ or a ‘warm’ colors person


FALSE:

Anyone can wear any color, anytime. If you are thinking about trying new makeup colors, try

softer tones or apply just a hint at first. For example, if you would love to wear bright purple

eyeshadow, but are afraid to take the plunge, try wearing a little mauve or lilac at first and build it up

until you feel comfortable with more color.

Uhuru is always available for personal or group consultations. Be sure to visit her site or email her with all your beauty and makeup questions.

About the Author:

For over 14 years, Chicago native Uhuru Freeman has been a face of many artistic and creative ventures such as dancer, singer, competitive beauty model & more.  Uhuru is the founder of Elegance Makeup where she’s made it her mission to not only enhance one’s beauty from the inside out, but to encourage and teach beauty from within. Visit Elegance Makeup at www.enchanted-elegance.com for more information or to book your very own elegant experience.

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