Posts tagged ‘Honesty’

December 28, 2010

You Are Not The Father!

by Vonda Howard

Hey Vonda,

I am writing to you with a dilemma.  I have been with my now husband for 3 years and am very much in love.  There is just one huge cloud hanging over my head.  Three years ago when I met him, I was also still dating an on and off boyfriend.  Right at the beginning of our relationship, I got pregnant.  He didn’t hesitate to step up and it only made me fall for him harder.  The only thing he didn’t know was that I had still been sleeping with my ex and there was a very good chance that my daughter could be his.  I didn’t want to alert him when there was no need, so after my daughter was born I had a DNA test done without his knowing.  Vonda, my heart fell to a million pieces when it came back that he was not the father!  I could not bring myself to break his heart.  He had already fallen in love with her.  I did, however tell the other guy and he agreed to not say anything and let my, now husband, continue to believe she was his. He comes around often because I told my husband that he was my cousin. They have actually become good friends.

It is getting harder and harder to keep this a secret.  Her biological father is getting antsy because he wants to have a bigger role in her life and hates that she calls my husband “dada”.  What should I do, Vonda?  Should I tell him that the daughter he adores really isn’t his?  How do I even utter the words?

Dear He Is Not The Father,

All I can say is, are you serious?  I’m not sure what you want me to say here. I’m going to blunt.  You have essentially made a fool of this man.  It is obvious that he is a decent man if he didn’t ask any questions and TRUSTED YOU when you told him you were pregnant early in the relationship.  Most guys would have screamed paternity test.  (Which obviously is what he should have done!)  There is no way that you will be able to justify with me your lying to this man and letting him believe that the guy you are passing off as your cousin is actually an ex-boyfriend whom is the true father of the daughter he thinks is his.  WHAT??  I don’t have to spend a lot of time on telling you what to do, actually, I think YOU KNOW what it is you HAVE TO do.  You will have to tell this man the truth.  He deserves it.  Now, what he decides to do once you drop this bomb on him, you will just have to deal with.  It would have been much better if you had told him from the start that there was a chance this little girl wasn’t his and prevented the impending heartbreak you about to give. Also, what kind of man allows another man to “play daddy” with his child?  Either you want to be totally in your child’s life or you don’t.

I am going to be very direct when I say that you deserve for him to leave you.  Yep, I said it.  The fact that you would not only lie to him for three years, but that you would actually allow him to become friends with the man you cheated on him with and fathered the child he thinks is his is just plain low-down!  You claim that you “love” this man, but these are not the actions of a woman that truly knows what love is.  Bottom line…tell the man the truth and deal with the consequences.

Good luck,

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!


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August 21, 2010

Insert Puppy Dog Eyes Here…

by Donya B

puppy-dog-eyes[Editor’s Note: Sorry for the delay in posting. I’ve been in the bed all day battling allergies (Oh, what fun!). Without further ado, please enjoy Donya’s Relatables.]

You know you’re wrong, right?  You know good and well that what you did, or what you’re about to do, could be the dumbest thing you could possibly do in the course of your relationship.  You know that if your mate ever found out, their trust in you, your credibility and the future of your relationship would all be jeopardized.  But if you told on yourself, you know for certain you’d lose it all.  So instead, you apologize.  Not in words, but in actions.

First comes the extra attention.  Then a few more stolen kisses.  Then you surprise him with his favorite ice cream.  Or you buy her flowers.   You know, just because…

You do realize that if you keep it up for too long, they’ll catch on right?  Even though you’ll try hard to ease back into whatever routine you were in before you screwed up, something will be askew.  You always were attentive and affectionate, but you also helped out around the house.  Now the trash is overflowing.  But there are extra kisses!  You always made dinner, something different every night, but now there’s no cornbread with it.  But the sex is off the chain!  Like the song says, something something, something something just ain’t right…

How long can you keep up the charade?  How long do you think your mate will accept your extra love without starting to question it?  Before the scent of the roses and stargazers finishes flooding her nostrils, the words, “what did you do” will start rolling off her tongue.  Suspicion lurks and the only thing you can do is play dumb, get defensive or confess.  Pick your poison.

Of course the smartest idea was not to have done (or stop considering doing) whatever you’re trying to hide.  Guilt is a mother sublime!  Like I said the other week about lying; if you’ll have to lie to cover it up, don’t do it!  That little white is going to continue to snowball and catch up to you at the worst possible moment.  Next smartest course of action: confess and apologize from your heart.  Be sure to either be completely naked and defenseless or completely covered in armor from head to toe because it’s not going to be pretty.  But you know you deserve whatever comes…

If your mate is like me, you’ll have no idea what to expect.  I’m not a scrapper; I don’t fight, so you don’t have to worry about physical harm.  But white hot anger is not unfamiliar to me.  It’s that kind of heat that blisters the skin slowly and makes it peel away like melted wax.  Then I’ll smile, patch it up and wait for it to scab.  Then I’ll pick at it again, smiling all the while, when you’re not expecting it… Eventually I’ll let go and let God handle it, but I succumb to humanity over divinity for just a moment.  But will I walk away completely?  Possibly not.  If the love is strong enough and the confession sincere enough and the plan of correction plausible enough, anything is possible.  I’ve never been one to throw out the baby with the bathwater, so another try is not out of the realm.

Maybe he’ll forgive you, maybe he won’t.  But you can’t keep it bottled up inside and keep playing this game.  It’s like putting perfume on a pig.  Doesn’t make it clean, and it only smells better for a second.  Clean up your messes before they become disasters.  It will hurt and you may lose, but what you will have gained is a valuable lesson in integrity.  Play smart, not dirty.

Two,

Ms. De

Smooth Truffle: Anita said it best, “I apologize, believe me I do. I apologize, honest and true. Cuz I knew I was wrong, that’s why I’m singing this song, tryna get through…” Try it.  She might put the skillet down.

About Donya: Donya Vaughn is a So Cal native, collegiate of San Diego State University and graduate of the University of Life, mastering in “Wow, That Was Harder Than It Needed To Be”. Known to her close friends as “The Walking Encyclopedia”, Donya prides herself in being helpful, knowledgeable and ready to serve. She uses these traits along with unwavering optimism and Christian good spirit regularly as owner and consultant of As You Like… Wedding & Event Services.

July 10, 2010

Love and Lies

by Donya B

Trust ShatteredIs it cool for me to smother the facts? Is it cool for me to cover my tracks? If you’d never know… Or would me not bein’ honest hurt you more? … Are there some things better left unsaid? Or would you wanna know instead? Hypothetically, of course… – Lyfe Jennings, Hypothetically

Fib. Fabrication. Deception. Distorted truth.  Falsity. Misstatement.  No matter what you call it – and all of us have done it – it’s still a LIE.

Today is a real Straight, No Chaser post.  My week has been shrouded in deception, so please excuse me if I sound cynical. I’ve been egregiously accused of lying to my friend and now that person doubts my honesty, even though I’ve proven my innocence and they know my accuser lies as easily as she breathes.  A dear friend knows her husband of one year has already cheated on her several times (and maybe with men), but he denies it and covers his tracks so she can’t prove it.  She’s now set a trap, baiting him with a lie to expose his lies.  Another friend told me she gets paid by her company to hack people’s computers to uncover their lies!  Lies everywhere I turn!

Deception is a weapon that hurts, maims and kills even the strongest of bonds.  Whether it’s a “little white” or a “big whopper”, lies do damage.  Oh, and don’t get it twisted, “discretionary honesty” is also a lie.  Yes, you told him you went to the club with your girls, had a few drinks, danced all night and went to eat before heading home.  All true.  But not mentioning that half of your drinks were purchased by the brother that was grinding you on the dance floor and then bought you some fries before making out with you in the parking lot makes it a lie.  One night of playtime potentially ruined your relationship.

“What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive”.  A lie begets a lie, begets another lie and snowballs ’til you don’t even know what the truth is anymore.  When it all falls apart, why do we stand there looking stupid like we had no idea what just happened?  If you realize you’ll have to lie to cover something up, here’s a thought… Don’t Do It!!

I’m done ranting, so let’s do something different and have a dialogue! Give me your feedback on these questions for next week’s follow-up piece on Trust:  How often do you find yourself guilty of deception?  Was it worth the trouble?  Can you trust where there is dishonesty?  When you know someone has been dishonest with you, do you accept their attempt to rebuild your trust?  What have you done to try to rebuild someone’s trust in you?

Email me at www.facebook.com/donyav.  Any responses may be quoted but will remain completely anonymous. I don’t believe in putting people on blast, so don’t worry about that (my friends authorized me to borrow their stories).

Mint Truffle: If people know you’re lying because your mouth is moving, close it!

Two,

Ms. De

About Donya: Donya Vaughn is a So Cal native, collegiate of San Diego State University and graduate of the University of Life, mastering in “Wow, That Was Harder Than It Needed To Be”. Known to her close friends as “The Walking Encyclopedia”, Donya prides herself in being helpful, knowledgeable and ready to serve. She uses these traits along with unwavering optimism and Christian good spirit regularly as owner and consultant of As You Like… Wedding & Event Services.

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