Posts tagged ‘Trust’

September 14, 2010

Not Going To Let Her “Take It There”

by Vonda Howard

Diary
Hey Vonda,

I hope this letter finds you well.  I’ll get right to my question.  I am the mom of a beautiful, yet nerve strangling 16 year old girl.  Now, I say that, but she really doesn’t give me any other issues that any other normal teen girl would.  I have noticed that recently she has taken in interest in one particular little boy.  I taught my daughter well about standards, so he is not a “thug” or a “hoodrat”.  I actually met him a few times and he is a very well mannered young man.

Herein lies the issue…I was coming out of the bathroom and overheard her and a girlfriend that was visiting at the time, talking about this boy.  Her girlfriend asked her if they were going to “take it there” and she answered that she was thinking about it!!  I cannot say how mortified I was!

Vonda, we have a great relationship and we talk about everything, but she has not come to me about any of this.  Sure, we talk about boys and crushes, but she hasn’t said a word about having sex.  I had a friend tell me to, in essence, snoop on her (i.e. read her diary, listen to her calls, etc.) and I am not sure how I feel about that.  I want to give my daughter some level of privacy, but I want to make sure she is on the right path also.  What do you think?

Dear “Not Going To Let Her “Take It There”,

I can totally understand how hearing these things can set you into panic mode because I have a teen daughter myself.

First, I applaud you for not bursting into her room and losing your mind when you heard it.  From what I read in your letter, it sounds like you have done a great job raising her.  It’s natural for a girl her age to begin to start wondering about sex and boys and you want to make sure you keep the relationship open like it is now.  The LAST thing you want to do is destroy any trust between the two of you.  Snooping in her diary and listening to her calls would do just that.  The best way to handle this in my opinion is to reiterate to her that she can talk to you about any and everything.  Plan some Girl’s Day Outs, go out to dinner together and engage her in conversations.  You DON’T want to come down on her for something she may not have even done yet.  Don’t let on that you heard or know anything, just start some conversations about sex as a whole and of course how to stay safe.  Frankly, you only really heard one small piece of the conversation, “take it there” could mean something totally different from what you are thinking.

You can also set someone both of you trust (a Aunt, older cousin, friend) in her path too to be that extra ear also.  This way, if there is something that she may be a little uncomfortable talking with you about, she has another trusted outlet to go to.  Like you said, you talk about everything and she has not said a word about having sex.

Take it from someone that got “snooped” on, it is a MAJOR breech of trust and privacy and it will only put a huge gap between you and make things a whole lot more difficult.  Good luck!

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!


August 3, 2010

I Think She is My Daughter…

by Vonda Howard

fatherdaughterHi Vonda,
I have a little situation, well maybe a big situation.  I am a 45 year old male, married for 20 years to a beautiful woman with 2 kids.  Well here is my story:

About two years ago my wife and I separated for about a few months and in my mind I did not think we would get back together.  During this separation I went out a couple of times with my friends and one night I hooked up with this young lady and we had sex.  I knew this was reckless, but it was only this one time.
Nevertheless, my wife and I got back together and we have the best relationship any man could ask for.  My 25 year old son brought home this young lady the other day that he was dating and what do you know, it is the same lady that I hooked up with!  Of course we both knew the other but we played it off.  Here is the kicker; she has a 2 year old daughter that is a splitting image of my daughter when she was her age!  My son is very serious about this young lady and I think he will propose to her soon.  Should I say something to my wife and son or just go with the flow?
Thanks!
“I Think She Is My Daughter”

___***___

Dear “I Think She Is My Daughter”,


First, I’m going to state the obvious in this whole conundrum you’re in here; and that is that a condom would have alleviated all this that you are in right now.  I mean, fine, you are an adult and I am not the one to say that you and this woman shouldn’t have any sexual freedom, but be responsible about it.  There are way too many diseases floating around for you two to be “raw dogging” it.


Okay, now that I got that out, let’s talk about this issue.  Plain and simple, you are going to have to tell the truth.  I mean, if there was no possible child involved and your son was not dating her, I would say, just let it be in your past and move on, but neither of those things is the case.


Let’s look take a look:


#1…Tell your wife.  The one thing that pisses us off the most is finding stuff out at the ass end.  If there are no lingering feelings for this woman, and you and your wife were TRULY separated at the time, then there should be no real reason not to tell her.  Yes, she may be a bit put off about it, but I can guarantee you that the fallout will be a lot softer than it would if she found out any other way.


#2…Talk to the chick.  IF this is your child, a DNA test should be the first step.  If this is your child, be a man and step up to the plate.  Just that simple.


#3…Tell your son.  Now, this one may actually be the most difficult.  Although all of this is just a horrible accident, it will still cut him pretty deep.  It is obvious he loves this woman if he plans on marrying her.  The last thing they need is this huge cloud hanging over their heads.  At least if it’s out in the open, he and she can talk about things and decide what THEY want to do with the relationship going forward.


If all this is put out on the table and discussed among all of you, it may be able to be worked out.  Even if it doesn’t, at least there are no lies floating around that can destroy  the relationships even more.


Well, good luck and I hope I helped.


Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!

July 27, 2010

I Call Him “Daddy” Too

by Vonda Howard

hurtHey Vonda,

I truly hope my question gets chosen, because I really have a problem I could use your help on.

I have a friend that I have been close to since we were in the fifth grade. We even call each other sisters. We do everything together; we’ve cried together, we’ve been through some serious times in each other’s lives and some of the happiest. I would never, ever want to hurt her, but how do I tell her that I have been sleeping with her dad for the past 6 months?

I’ll let you digest that for a moment.

Now, this has was not anything that was planned, or even thought about before six months ago. Things kind of just happened. I mean, I have always thought her dad was a very attractive older man, but never even thought about doing anything with him until now. We are both consenting adults and neither one of us are attached, so why should it be a problem? Besides, I really think I love him. In fact, I KNOW I love him and he has even told me he loves me too. He has wanted to tell her for a while now, but I just haven’t had the nerve to do it. She even suspects that he is seeing someone, and wonders why he hasn’t introduced her yet.

What do I do, Vonda? I don’t want to hurt my very best friend in the whole world, but I don’t want to lose (what I feel) is the love of my life either! I need your help!

Sincerely,

I Call Him “Daddy” Too

Dear I Call Him Daddy Too,

You are in a bit of a jam, aren’t you? I think I can help you figure this out with no problem. It’s simple…tell her the truth.

You said that you guys were or have been friends since you were in the fifth grade, then you should be able to go to her and talk to her about this. Honestly, there is no serious violations here outside of the fact that you have been lying to her for the past six months. Which is dead wrong. This should have been addressed in the beginning. If you saw something special developing between you and her dad, then you as her best friend should have went to her and talked about it. She may have been okay with it, you will never know. Unfortunately, now you have added a bit of a cloud over what you have described as a relationship that is filled with true love as a underhanded and dishonest act.

Yes, she may be totally against you being with her father, I mean, HE’S HER FATHER. You are going to have to decide in the end, which relationship is more important to you. The best friend you call your sister and have been friends with her since elementary school, or the new relationship that is really still in the honeymoon phase, that could lead to something more serious? What happens if there is a nasty breakup? Are you prepare to lose BOTH of them?

Honestly, the fact that you hid it and didn’t go to her in the beginning kind of tells you what is right and what is wrong here. If you feel that this relationship is worth possible losing you best friend then I say go for it, but again, the choice ultimately remains with you.

Good luck!

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!

July 10, 2010

Love and Lies

by Donya B

Trust ShatteredIs it cool for me to smother the facts? Is it cool for me to cover my tracks? If you’d never know… Or would me not bein’ honest hurt you more? … Are there some things better left unsaid? Or would you wanna know instead? Hypothetically, of course… – Lyfe Jennings, Hypothetically

Fib. Fabrication. Deception. Distorted truth.  Falsity. Misstatement.  No matter what you call it – and all of us have done it – it’s still a LIE.

Today is a real Straight, No Chaser post.  My week has been shrouded in deception, so please excuse me if I sound cynical. I’ve been egregiously accused of lying to my friend and now that person doubts my honesty, even though I’ve proven my innocence and they know my accuser lies as easily as she breathes.  A dear friend knows her husband of one year has already cheated on her several times (and maybe with men), but he denies it and covers his tracks so she can’t prove it.  She’s now set a trap, baiting him with a lie to expose his lies.  Another friend told me she gets paid by her company to hack people’s computers to uncover their lies!  Lies everywhere I turn!

Deception is a weapon that hurts, maims and kills even the strongest of bonds.  Whether it’s a “little white” or a “big whopper”, lies do damage.  Oh, and don’t get it twisted, “discretionary honesty” is also a lie.  Yes, you told him you went to the club with your girls, had a few drinks, danced all night and went to eat before heading home.  All true.  But not mentioning that half of your drinks were purchased by the brother that was grinding you on the dance floor and then bought you some fries before making out with you in the parking lot makes it a lie.  One night of playtime potentially ruined your relationship.

“What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive”.  A lie begets a lie, begets another lie and snowballs ’til you don’t even know what the truth is anymore.  When it all falls apart, why do we stand there looking stupid like we had no idea what just happened?  If you realize you’ll have to lie to cover something up, here’s a thought… Don’t Do It!!

I’m done ranting, so let’s do something different and have a dialogue! Give me your feedback on these questions for next week’s follow-up piece on Trust:  How often do you find yourself guilty of deception?  Was it worth the trouble?  Can you trust where there is dishonesty?  When you know someone has been dishonest with you, do you accept their attempt to rebuild your trust?  What have you done to try to rebuild someone’s trust in you?

Email me at www.facebook.com/donyav.  Any responses may be quoted but will remain completely anonymous. I don’t believe in putting people on blast, so don’t worry about that (my friends authorized me to borrow their stories).

Mint Truffle: If people know you’re lying because your mouth is moving, close it!

Two,

Ms. De

About Donya: Donya Vaughn is a So Cal native, collegiate of San Diego State University and graduate of the University of Life, mastering in “Wow, That Was Harder Than It Needed To Be”. Known to her close friends as “The Walking Encyclopedia”, Donya prides herself in being helpful, knowledgeable and ready to serve. She uses these traits along with unwavering optimism and Christian good spirit regularly as owner and consultant of As You Like… Wedding & Event Services.

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