Archive for ‘Hey Vonda! – Vonda Howard’

January 18, 2011

I Ain’t Saying I’m A Gold Digger…

by Vonda Howard

Hey Vonda,

I’m writing to you to get your opinion on something.  I am 32 year old single woman with no kids that has had some terrible relationships.  I had one guy that I found out was married, one that was a habitual cheater, one that was a stalker and the last one I think was gay.  I have had nothing but bad luck in the love department.  About 6 months ago, I met a man that didn’t quite have the cuteness I go for, but he was and is a nice guy.  To add to that, he spoils me completely. Vonda, all I have to do is look at something sideways and I have it almost immediately.  He has bought me fine jewelry, clothes, bags, shoes and he wants to buy me a car.  Now, all that sounds wonderful right?  Any woman would tell me that I hit the jackpot, but…I just can’t seem to find those deep feelings for him that he has for me.  I just don’t understand it!  I don’t want to leave him because he is a nice guy (and I won’t deny that I will miss the pampering part).  What do I do?  He has recently started talking about the possibility of marriage and it sends shivers down my spine.  What do I do, Vonda? I don’t wnt to leave the best thing I have found in forever, but I don’t want to hurt him either.  Help!

I Ain’t Saying I’m A Gold Digger

Dear I Ain’t Saying I’m A Gold Digger,

I’m going to cut right to the chase…you have to make a decision now.  It’s not fair to you or him for this to continue if its all one-sided.  Trust me, I get the whole pampering thing; what women wouldn’t?  You just have to understand that as long as you stay in this relationship and let this man shower you with gifts, the deeper and deeper this hole gets.  It’s okay not to be attracted to him.  He can be the nicest thing on the planet, but if you aren’t attracted to him in that way it doesn’t make you a bad person.  Now, staying with him solely to keep soaking up his money would.  You said that you had some bad relationship experiences in the past…use this one as a template.  What I mean is, if this guy is as “good” as you say he is, now you know what to look for in the next one.  From what I read here, it doesn’t sound to me like there are mutual feelings here.  You need to sit him down and be honest with him.  Don’t do to him what the guys in past relationships did to you by being dishonest.  You never know, you MAY be able to maintain some sort of friendship with him.  It just comes down to you doing the right thing.  Hope I helped!

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!

January 11, 2011

When to Say No to Your Partner or You Want Me To Do What?!

by Vonda Howard

Hey Vonda!

Okay imma get right to it.  I just need a little clarification.  The other night I decided to spice up our sex life by agreeing to watch a xxx movie with my hubby.  I have to admit, I was enjoying it and it definitely was working.  It wasn’t until the woman in the movie showed us that she obviously has no bones, that this fool turned to me and actually said, “Ooo baby.  Why don’t we do that?”  I told him HELL NO and we continued to watch.  Vonda, ever since we watched that damn movie he has been asking me to bend, twist and squeeze into positions that my body just was not made to get into.  I love my husband and want to make him happy, but I am just not that comfortable with some of the things he wants me to do.  Vonda, what should I do?  Am I being a terrible wife if I tell him no?

You Want Me To Do What?

Dear You Want Me To Do What,

I have to admit your letter made me chuckle.  In the grand scope of things, this is a really minor problem.

I am glad to hear that you are open to trying new things with your hubby.  Lots of times, we wives and girlfriends can get a bit complacent when it comes to intimacy with our men.  Just like we want them to do things for us, we have to be willing to budge a little and do some of the things he is interested in too.  Who knows; he may just be curious about it and end up hating it too!

Now, to answer your question.  The answer is no.  You will not be wrong for telling him that you are uncomfortable with something.  After all, that is YOUR body and although you allow him to borrow it from time to time, you still have the ultimate say as to what happens to it.  Simply tell him that you love him and are having a good time trying all the new things, but that one is just not for you.  If he truly loves and respects you (which I assume he does), he won’t have a problem respecting your wishes.  Try buying some books and YOU pick out movies that may interest you and both of you decide on what you BOTH are willing to try together.

Have Fun!

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!


December 28, 2010

You Are Not The Father!

by Vonda Howard

Hey Vonda,

I am writing to you with a dilemma.  I have been with my now husband for 3 years and am very much in love.  There is just one huge cloud hanging over my head.  Three years ago when I met him, I was also still dating an on and off boyfriend.  Right at the beginning of our relationship, I got pregnant.  He didn’t hesitate to step up and it only made me fall for him harder.  The only thing he didn’t know was that I had still been sleeping with my ex and there was a very good chance that my daughter could be his.  I didn’t want to alert him when there was no need, so after my daughter was born I had a DNA test done without his knowing.  Vonda, my heart fell to a million pieces when it came back that he was not the father!  I could not bring myself to break his heart.  He had already fallen in love with her.  I did, however tell the other guy and he agreed to not say anything and let my, now husband, continue to believe she was his. He comes around often because I told my husband that he was my cousin. They have actually become good friends.

It is getting harder and harder to keep this a secret.  Her biological father is getting antsy because he wants to have a bigger role in her life and hates that she calls my husband “dada”.  What should I do, Vonda?  Should I tell him that the daughter he adores really isn’t his?  How do I even utter the words?

Dear He Is Not The Father,

All I can say is, are you serious?  I’m not sure what you want me to say here. I’m going to blunt.  You have essentially made a fool of this man.  It is obvious that he is a decent man if he didn’t ask any questions and TRUSTED YOU when you told him you were pregnant early in the relationship.  Most guys would have screamed paternity test.  (Which obviously is what he should have done!)  There is no way that you will be able to justify with me your lying to this man and letting him believe that the guy you are passing off as your cousin is actually an ex-boyfriend whom is the true father of the daughter he thinks is his.  WHAT??  I don’t have to spend a lot of time on telling you what to do, actually, I think YOU KNOW what it is you HAVE TO do.  You will have to tell this man the truth.  He deserves it.  Now, what he decides to do once you drop this bomb on him, you will just have to deal with.  It would have been much better if you had told him from the start that there was a chance this little girl wasn’t his and prevented the impending heartbreak you about to give. Also, what kind of man allows another man to “play daddy” with his child?  Either you want to be totally in your child’s life or you don’t.

I am going to be very direct when I say that you deserve for him to leave you.  Yep, I said it.  The fact that you would not only lie to him for three years, but that you would actually allow him to become friends with the man you cheated on him with and fathered the child he thinks is his is just plain low-down!  You claim that you “love” this man, but these are not the actions of a woman that truly knows what love is.  Bottom line…tell the man the truth and deal with the consequences.

Good luck,

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!


December 14, 2010

I Want A Better Me

by Vonda Howard

cosmetic surgery

Dear Vonda,

I have been contemplating cosmetic surgery for a while now and think I’m ready to “make the jump”.  However, my family (mom and sisters) constantly tell me that I shouldn’t do it and I am “beautiful the way I am”.  Give me a break! I have battled with my weight for years (something they never had to deal with) and finally got down to a size that I am happy with.  I feel like it is about time that I got some of those stares and cat calls from guys!  Every woman likes a bit of attention from the opposite sex every now and then.  It’s my turn!  What do you think?

I Want A Better Me

Dear I want A Better Me,

First let me say congratulations on your wining your weight battle.  That takes a lot of courage, patience and discipline to accomplish.  You should be very proud of your success!

Now, there are some varied opinions on cosmetic surgery.  Some think that we all should leave our bodies the way God made them, and others don’t think there is anything wrong with a little “nip and tuck” here and there.  Me?  I personally think there is nothing wrong with a woman (or a man) doing things to themselves that make them feel better.  AS LONG AS IT’S FOR YOU AND NO ONE ELSE.  Cosmetic surgery is a very serious and most times permanent decision that should not be taken lightly.  Having surgery for the sole reason of getting more attention from others is not a good reason.  So, my advice to you would be to really, and truly make sure that you are having the surgery for the right reasons.  After all, the REAL changes should be made inside you before you work on the outward.

A side note:  Make sure that you are using a board certified surgeon!  Don’t be ashamed to ask for proof of credentials and references!  You can visit www.americanboardcosmeticsurgery.org to search for doctors and get more info about what your options are for your procedures.

Good luck!!

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!

December 7, 2010

Ready For Love

by Vonda Howard

Dear Vonda,

I am exhausted.  I am a beautiful, smart, independent woman and cannot understand why it is that I can’t find a decent man!  It has gotten to the point now where I am just about ready to give up on the idea of ever really, truly being in love.  Yes, I have met guys that were nice, but the connection wasn’t there and I don’t know why.  I saw that you are married and have been for the past 14 years…how did you do that?  How did you know you were in love with your hubby and that it would last for so long?  I am starting to get desperate, Vonda.  I want REAL LOVE like in the movies.  I want that perfect guy that will sweep me off my feet and make my heart flutter, I just seem to keep on crapping out.  Please help me Vonda…how do you know when you are in love and how can I find it?

Sincerely,

Ready For Love

Dear Ready For Love,

I have had this question posed to me quite a few times and I’ve heard women say that they are “ready for love”, but are you? You said that you have met nice guys, but there was no connection.  Why not?  Could it be that you are too busy looking for Mr. Perfect?  I truly think that sometimes as women we look for that FICTIONAL romance on the TV screens and on movie screens and totally miss the mark in REAL LIFE.  Remember, the romances on screen are scripted, edited and cut to make them look pleasing.  Real love is a lot messier than that.  If you are holding the men you meet up to that standard on the screen, no wonder you are having troubles!

When I met my husband we were both at the point in our lives where we were open and receptive to finding that one person that we wanted to go the long haul with.  Neither one of us went into the relationship with way out expectations of the other, actually, we didn’t even meet face-to-face until 2 weeks after our first contact.  We had no idea what the other looked like on the other end, but we knew from getting to really know one another that there was some sort of connection there that we wanted to explore.  As far as how we have stayed in together for so long, it just boils down to being realistic and REALLY understanding that no marriage or person is perfect and learning to choose your battles.   If you are out there looking for prince charming to ride in on that white horse…then honey, I hope you have a pillow and comfy shoes because you will be waiting forever.  There is no one template for Mr. Wonderful.  He is different for every woman.  YOU just have to be open and flexible enough in your expectations to recognize him when he enters the room.  (He may not be on that horse either, he may show up on the next bus.)

Finding and recognizing love has no specific formula. It builds with time and getting to know and respect one another.  Love should not cause you to change who you are and love definitely shouldn’t hurt.  So, my advice to you is to stop looking for the fairy tale romance because that’s just what it is…a fairy tale.  To me, REAL LOVE once you find it is much better.  :o)

Good Luck!

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!

November 30, 2010

Is It My Fault?

by Vonda Howard

Dear Vonda,

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we just got engaged two months ago.  He is a wonderful provider for our two children and will be a great husband.  Last week, we got into a very heated argument and things went really far south: there was name calling, throwing things and even a bit of violence.  I got so frustrated with all of it, I hauled off and slapped him, but was not ready for his response.  Vonda, before I knew it, I was on the ground and he was punching me!  I screamed for him to stop, but I think he blacked out or something!  I now am sporting a black eye and a swollen lip.  He doesn’t have even a scratch or red mark from my slap.  I haven’t even gone to work because I don’t want to have to explain any of it.  Luckily, our kids are young and don’t ask a lot of questions about what happened to mommy’s face.  He has been super apologetic and clingy since it happened.

Vonda, I have heard women say that if I hit him first then I deserve what I got…is that true?  I don’t know whether to blame myself for slapping him or to be truly afraid of him.  Was it my fault?  Did I bring these injuries on myself?  Should I leave him?

Sincerely,

Is It My Fault

Dear Is It My Fault,

Let’s be clear on this…NO, it IS NOT your fault.  I have heard some women say that and it disgusts me every time.  Although I agree that neither one of you should be putting your hands on the other, there is no way he as a man should ever use violence against you.  No matter how big or small you are, a man will always have the harder fist, hand, foot, whatever than you as the woman.  Like you said, he doesn’t have a scratch from your smack.  The perfect example of this is the whole Rihanna/Chris Brown craziness.  I actually heard women jump to his side and say that she deserved the vicious beating she got.  WHAT??  Funny thing is, I heard this from women!  The men I talked to all agreed that Chris Brown was in the wrong! Why do we as women make excuses for the actions of men and start to blame ourselves when they mess up?  IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT HE GAVE YOU A BLACK EYE AND SWOLLEN LIP! Is it a stripper’s fault when she gets raped?  Is it a bank teller’s fault when she gets robbed?  Give me a break!

Let’s put this into perspective, what would you say to your daughter if this happened to her?  Would you tell her it was her fault and she got what she deserved? What if it was your son that did the beating?  Think about those things and you’ll know what’s right.

In my opinion, there is NEVER a good reason for a man to strike a woman…ever.  Unless she is posing a serious risk to his life at that moment, he needs to excuse himself from the situation.   It takes a real man to walk away.  That is what I was was taught and it’s what I teach my daughter.  I also teach them (both my son and daughter) that physical violence is the end of the relationship.  Period.  If you two can’t have a adult disagreement without resulting to violence, then you not only don’t need to be anywhere near an altar, but you need to either end the relationship, or RUN to a qualified counselor.  Honey, if he can “black out” like that and hurt you the way he did, whose to say that he won’t do it again not only on you, but on the kids?

Now, like I said, YOU had no right to put your hands on him either!  You should be able to express your frustrations and anger without lashing out.  I truly suggest that you either cancel or postpone this wedding and seek counseling immediately.

ABUSE IS NEVER OKAY. If you or someone you know is being abused please call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224 for support. You can also visit www.thehotline.org.

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!


November 16, 2010

Tortured Beauty

by Vonda Howard

Dear Vonda,

Can you please explain something to me?  Why is it that women are so jealous?  I can honestly say that I have never really had good relationships with women.  I will admit that I have always been a very attractive person, as a child and now, but I am also very friendly and humble.  Every time I get close to a female and attempt a friendship, things always go south.  So, I decided to just focus on having guy friends.  Now, I get flack on that side too from their wives, and girlfriends!

Vonda, I am NOTHING but friends with these guys.  There is no hanky-panky at all.  Some of the guys have told me that their women have an issue when I hang out with them and want to get them to tell me to stay back!  What?  So, here’s the question:  Should I jeopardize really good friendships for a few jealous chicks?

Tortured Beauty

Dear Tortured Beauty,

I have actually heard this from a lot of women before.  In fact, I’m one of them.  There is nothing wrong with having platonic male friendships, I actually think guys are more fun to deal with.  No,w on the other side, I do still have very close girlfriends.  The fact that you don’t concerns me.  You should still be able to maintain relationships with your female counterparts on some level!  This is a case of “what or WHO is the common denominator in this equation?”.  You need to really look back at each of the failed relationships and try to honestly figure out what you might have done (or not done) to contribute to its demise.  Once you do that, you may actually figure out what the problem is.

Now, as far as the girlfriends of you buddies…you have to fall back on that one.  Like I said before, I have guy friends that I consider some of my best friends, but I always…always remain respectful to their wives and girlfriends.  Have you made an effort to really get to know them on some level?  Are you awkward around them?  When you call for the guys do you speak to them also?  From your description of yourself, you say there is some humility there, but proclaiming how attractive you are in the second sentence of your letter says otherwise.  Maybe they are picking up on a little of that too.  I  say if you really care about these friendships, make yourself known to these women and let them see that you aren’t after their guys!

Good luck!

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!

November 9, 2010

Tired of My Hot Mama!

by Vonda Howard

Hey Vonda,

Okay so, what am I supposed to do?  My mom lost her job about a year ago and has since came to stay with me.  Vonda, it all started off just fine, but can you tell me when my mom became so wild?  She smokes weed on our back porch, she goes out to clubs and stays out all times of night, she has had I don’t know how many boyfriends and to top it all off, she wears clothes that are at least two sizes too small!

Now, I don’t have any problem with my mom having a good time and enjoying her empty nest, but I have a 16 year old in the house and this is setting a very bad example for her.  I have approached her about her behavior and she just tells me to “mind my own business”.

Vonda, I would hate to have to put her out on the street because she is my mother, but how much longer am I supposed to take this?

Tired of My Hot Mama

Dear Tired of My Hot Mama,

Although I took a moment to chuckle at this letter, I can sympathize with what you are going through.  One one side, I understand that your mom wants to live her life to the fullest now that she does not have any more kids to take care of.  However, you have to think about YOUR daughter.

Frankly, your mom is blatantly disrespecting you and your home.  You are dead on my attempting to check her on her behavior.  The last thing you need is her bopping around the house half dressed, doing illegal drugs and being sexually promiscuous.  Take the time to really talk with her (your mom), and let her know that that is YOUR house and if her behavior doesn’t change or stop all together, that she will have to find someone else to live with.  Remember, like her, you are a mom too.   Good luck!

Vonda

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!

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