Posts tagged ‘Personality Spectrum’

June 12, 2010

Who Are You? The Final Chapter

by Donya B

“…But I can’t be alone, I need you to come on home.  I know you messing around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down? And it kills me to know how much I really love you… I wanna have his babies. ‘Cause I don’t wanna be alone, I don’t need to be on my own. And it kills me to know how much I really love you…”

I know that’s your jam, but Melanie Fiona’s “It Kills Me” is the Doormat Anthem of the Year.

I’m not even going to go into the Pros and Cons of this quadrant because there are no Pros.  It is critically important to not only recognize this mindset, but do everything in your power to pull yourself or anyone you truly love out of it.  The Doormat isn’t a self-destructive zone like the Pleaser, it is a self-destroyed zone.  You saw the movie, “Precious”, right?  If not, please do.  It’s painful to watch, but if you really want to understand where a complete vacuum of self-esteem and social withdrawal can take a person, it’s a must see.  My heart hurt through the whole movie because I couldn’t comprehend the depth of this child’s pain.  Most Doormats have experienced some kind of deep hurt.  The problem, however, isn’t in receiving the hurt, it’s in absorbing it and grafting it into your mind.  Once you believe you are what they said you are, or that your pain is all your fault, you lose you and become what they want you to be.

Check the lyrics above.  This woman knows her man is no good, yet, she doesn’t think she can do any better?  She so desperately doesn’t want to have a relationship with herself that she would create children with this loser so that she doesn’t have to be alone? It’s as though she believes she is a worse monster than he is, so she avoids facing herself!  But she calls that “love”… Need and love are two different things, and this even goes beyond need.  This is addiction.  She thinks she feels good with him, she knows she feels bad without him, so she thinks she needs to stay with him to feel good.  That’s addiction.  Doormats are relationship addicts.  Pain junkies. Abuse victims.  These are people who have lost all hope in themselves and rely on outside forces to validate them.

IF YOU SEE YOURSELF IN THIS QUADRANT, GET OUT NOW!! Find out what it is that you despise so much about yourself and address it.  Someone told you that you were fat, ugly and stupid.  Are you?  If you believe you are, change it!  If you know you aren’t, then why are you living in that lie?  Turn on the light and see who you really are!  Someone told you that you wouldn’t amount to a damn thing in life.  Do you believe it? Have you?  Then do something about it!  (God don’t make junk; prove Him right!) Someone abused you.  Does that make you worthless or broken?  Would you do the same thing to yourself?  Then let go of that relationship and have one with yourself. If you see your mate in this quadrant, by all things Holy, please stop treating them the way you do and help them make a change.  If you don’t want them to change, leave them alone and seek help for yourself.

World’s Biggest Truffle:  The first step in healing is love.  I love you.  Go heal.

About Donya: Donya Vaughn is a So Cal native, collegiate of San Diego State University and graduate of the University of Life, mastering in “Wow, That Was Harder Than It Needed To Be”. Known to her close friends as “The Walking Encyclopedia”, Donya prides herself in being helpful, knowledgeable and ready to serve. She uses these traits along with unwavering optimism and Christian good spirit regularly as owner and consultant of As You Like… Wedding & Event Services.

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June 5, 2010

Who Are You? Pt. 3

by Donya B

Everybody wants one, everybody has been one and for the most part, it’s not a bad quadrant to hang out in.  But being in too deep can be detrimental. Welcome to the world of The Pleaser…

Pros: Caring, nurturing, responsible, friendly, warm-spirited, intelligent but modest about it, resourceful, giving, creative.

Cons: Insecure, self-destructive, open book, easily emotionally bruised, needy, clingy, relationship saboteur.

Is that it?  Well yes, because I wanted to spend the space on understanding the Pleaser, not defining it.   I worked with a young lady who was going through a rough patch – recently divorced, young children, laid-off from a good job but working part-time at my job.  She was a very personable, friendly, beautifully curvy young woman, but something was missing.  She was too broke to try alcohol, drugs or clubbing and didn’t have the spirit to reach out to God, so instead she reached out to men.  Whoever showed her attention (read: smelled her broken esteem), she would bed.  She would go out of her way to make herself available for these less-than-gentleman callers, so far as to send her kids to a sitter overnight at the drop of his hat!

She and I talked often about her bevy of babes on her online sites and how much they wanted her.  At one point, she’d counted 17 guys that wanted to “go out” with her.  Having a picture of her azz as her profile picture I’m sure had something to do with that.  She didn’t see the path of destruction she was on, she just saw that she was popular and less alone.  What she didn’t realize was that she was still lonely.  Where did it end? When she let one of her “friends” into her heart and her world and he took rampant advantage of her need to please. He bankrupted her – emotionally and financially.

I talk to her every now and again and she’s doing better.  Not seeing anyone (so she says), rebuilding her life, spending more time with her kids and she’s gone back to school and church.  What she realized was that while she lived for taking care of other people, she was neglecting herself.  She wasn’t as important as them because they could do something for her that she couldn’t do for herself.  Who knows what that “something” was, but she believed it existed and it was worth putting herself out for.  Once she realized she was worth something, her attitude turned around.  She’s still a Pleaser, but not as destructive of one.  She still does things for others, but they’re for the good.  Her body is no longer her only form of courtesy; she gives from her heart and mind now too. Her self-esteem is rising and she’s on her way to balanced.

I saw a lot of myself in her and that’s what made me sad.  Not just because I knew where she was headed, but because I’d let myself get there at one time too.  Do you also see yourself in her story? Do you see where you have the opportunity to be, do, want and strive for better? Then get out there and achieve it!

Big Gooey Truffle:  Pleasers are wonderful people who can make an awesome difference in this world of egomaniacs; you just have to know who YOU are first!

Next Week – The Doormat. VERY IMPORTANT READ. DO NOT MISS IT!

About Donya: Donya Vaughn is a So Cal native, collegiate of San Diego State University and graduate of the University of Life, mastering in “Wow, That Was Harder Than It Needed To Be”. Known to her close friends as “The Walking Encyclopedia”, Donya prides herself in being helpful, knowledgeable and ready to serve. She uses these traits along with unwavering optimism and Christian good spirit regularly as owner and consultant of As You Like… Wedding & Event Services.

May 29, 2010

Who Are You? Pt. Deux

by Donya B

In the words of one of the most renowned military dictators, Bienvenue mes amis! What was it that made Napoleon Bonaparte such an imperial pain in the arse? He was brilliant and knew no one would dare tell him otherwise.  Last week we looked at everyone’s favorite personality type, The Butterfly.  This week, we look at its nemesis, the one least likely to read this, but most recognizable…

The Dictator:

Pros – logical quick thinker, solution-oriented, very secure in his education, abilities and goals, a take-no-prisoners kind of person who is very proud of her accomplishments, a problem solver, a jack of all trades who advances quickly in the workplace.  A stable and reliable provider and protector.

Cons – not a good listener, short on patience, doesn’t want alternate suggestions – just wants you to follow her directions, not terribly romantic (romance is illogical), but knows how to use it to manipulate others, not much of a family guy – his or yours – and can be socially awkward. This Ultimate Control Freak may have a tendency to be emotionally abusive, but physical abuse is “beneath him”.

I spent six years as a Doormat to a Dictator.  Hard to believe, I know.  Actually, it was four years actively placid, two years navigating Pleaser to get to Butterfly.  He was a high ranking Marine, so I guess that explains it all. His job was not to listen, empathize and come to a conclusion, it was to observe and react with direct orders that were not to be questioned. Unfortunately, he brought that mess home.  Even worse, I followed suit.  What is tragic is that I absorbed his ways and tried to be a Dictator to the unsuspecting sap that followed in his wake.  That was a very short-lived relationship because I sucked at it.

I don’t have to tell you that a Dictator – Dictator relationship will never happen, do I? Good. Dictator – Butterfly is a flash paper relationship.  She will suggest he choose who his loyalties are with, his people or their home, but let him know it is in his best interest to choose her. The sex is great because she’s aggressive, but he will not be controlled and leaves quickly.  It’s pretty obvious that Dictator – Doormat goes the long haul.  They’re settled and there aren’t many arguments.  Don’t expect to see this couple holding hands strolling through town, but a nice dinner in a quiet corner of a restaurant of his choice isn’t unheard of. He does love her deeply; he shows it by providing everything she needs. It works; it’s just hard to stomach.  Dictator – Pleaser has durability simply because Pleasers don’t make waves and they stroke egos like a pro. He demands her attention and she readily gives it.  She makes herself an integral part of his small social circle and he appreciates it because she bolsters him.  This would probably be the healthiest Dictator relationship, as oxymoronic as that sounds. Now, I’m not saying Dictators are bad, they just need real love.

Today’s Truffle: Control, Love and Respect are three separate things.  Know the difference.  Live the difference.

Next Week – Pleasers!

About Donya: Donya Vaughn is a So Cal native, collegiate of San Diego State University and graduate of the University of Life, mastering in “Wow, That Was Harder Than It Needed To Be”. Known to her close friends as “The Walking Encyclopedia”, Donya prides herself in being helpful, knowledgeable and ready to serve. She uses these traits along with unwavering optimism and Christian good spirit regularly as owner and consultant of As You Like… Wedding & Event Services.

May 22, 2010

Who Are You? Pt. 1

by Donya B

Hey y’all!  Last week I touched on a personality spectrum and how we tend to find ourselves on the extremes instead of balanced toward the middle.  I told you we would explore each one so we could all see who we are and how we fit into our relationships.  As I started to break down each category, I realized there was no way it was going to fit into one piece.  So let us now begin the 4-part series, “Who Are You?”

Reality Note:  I have been each personality type at some point in my life so I’m not pointing fingers; I’m looking in the mirror.  Overstand, I am not telling you there is something wrong with you that you have to fix. These are just guideposts on the healthy relationship journey.  Also overstand that this matrix applies to everyone, not just us lean-challenged.

This week we focus on The Butterfly.

Pros: Gets along with everyone, open to new ideas and ways of thinking, confident, refuses to fail, possesses glowing inner beauty and strength, has an infectiously positive personality, makes everyone comfortable, can handle any situation with poise and style, quick thinker, makes great arm candy.

Cons: Can’t sit still long enough to solidify anything – including a thought process, overshadows their mate, always thinks they’re right (and usually are), comes off cocky or outspoken to the unfamiliar, talks a lot!, has low levels of humility/modesty, doesn’t know when to let go.

Are you wincing reading this like I am?  It’s painful to look at yourself sometimes, isn’t it?  90% of the time, I am a butterfly.  This explains why it’s been difficult for me to stay in long relationships; I bore easily and shiny things distract me.  This is also explains why when I’ve been hurt, I’ve been hurt hard.  A Monarch butterfly can lead a rabble hundreds of miles, but if you touch his wings wrong, he’ll die.  The Butterfly is just the same.  It may not be a big offense, but the wrong one cuts to the quick.

Fortunately, my beloved is a Pleaser, so he continually gives me intangible “shiny things”.  That is, he shows me love in different little ways every day.  Nothing extravagant, it’s the little things.  And since it is in his nature to coddle and nurture, he goes out of his way to make sure I don’t get hurt; by him or anyone else.  Even in his dreams!  (I told you I wasn’t going to smother you with my sappy stuff, so I’m done now.)

In any relationship, two Butterflies aren’t likely.  Self-esteem turns into ego and (not one to share the spotlight) one of them will take off.  Butterflies can be unintentionally abusive to Doormats (short attention spans miss the clues) and are likely to butt heads with Dictators (they both can’t always be right). The Pleaser is the Yin to The Butterfly’s Yang.  The Pleaser delights in the boldness and accomplishments of the Butterfly, and The Butterfly finds comfort and peace in The Pleaser.  Now, these are not cast in stone or the only way a relationship will work, so don’t go breaking up with your girlfriend cuz she’s a Dictator. Love is love, go with it.

Truffle: Finding the balance between your strengths and weaknesses is the key to finding You.

Next week – Dictators!

About Donya: Donya Vaughn is a So Cal native, collegiate of San Diego State University and graduate of the University of Life, mastering in “Wow, That Was Harder Than It Needed To Be”. Known to her close friends as “The Walking Encyclopedia”, Donya prides herself in being helpful, knowledgeable and ready to serve. She uses these traits along with unwavering optimism and Christian good spirit regularly as owner and consultant of As You Like… Wedding & Event Services.

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