Is It My Fault?

Dear Vonda,

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we just got engaged two months ago.  He is a wonderful provider for our two children and will be a great husband.  Last week, we got into a very heated argument and things went really far south: there was name calling, throwing things and even a bit of violence.  I got so frustrated with all of it, I hauled off and slapped him, but was not ready for his response.  Vonda, before I knew it, I was on the ground and he was punching me!  I screamed for him to stop, but I think he blacked out or something!  I now am sporting a black eye and a swollen lip.  He doesn’t have even a scratch or red mark from my slap.  I haven’t even gone to work because I don’t want to have to explain any of it.  Luckily, our kids are young and don’t ask a lot of questions about what happened to mommy’s face.  He has been super apologetic and clingy since it happened.

Vonda, I have heard women say that if I hit him first then I deserve what I got…is that true?  I don’t know whether to blame myself for slapping him or to be truly afraid of him.  Was it my fault?  Did I bring these injuries on myself?  Should I leave him?

Sincerely,

Is It My Fault

Dear Is It My Fault,

Let’s be clear on this…NO, it IS NOT your fault.  I have heard some women say that and it disgusts me every time.  Although I agree that neither one of you should be putting your hands on the other, there is no way he as a man should ever use violence against you.  No matter how big or small you are, a man will always have the harder fist, hand, foot, whatever than you as the woman.  Like you said, he doesn’t have a scratch from your smack.  The perfect example of this is the whole Rihanna/Chris Brown craziness.  I actually heard women jump to his side and say that she deserved the vicious beating she got.  WHAT??  Funny thing is, I heard this from women!  The men I talked to all agreed that Chris Brown was in the wrong! Why do we as women make excuses for the actions of men and start to blame ourselves when they mess up?  IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT HE GAVE YOU A BLACK EYE AND SWOLLEN LIP! Is it a stripper’s fault when she gets raped?  Is it a bank teller’s fault when she gets robbed?  Give me a break!

Let’s put this into perspective, what would you say to your daughter if this happened to her?  Would you tell her it was her fault and she got what she deserved? What if it was your son that did the beating?  Think about those things and you’ll know what’s right.

In my opinion, there is NEVER a good reason for a man to strike a woman…ever.  Unless she is posing a serious risk to his life at that moment, he needs to excuse himself from the situation.   It takes a real man to walk away.  That is what I was was taught and it’s what I teach my daughter.  I also teach them (both my son and daughter) that physical violence is the end of the relationship.  Period.  If you two can’t have a adult disagreement without resulting to violence, then you not only don’t need to be anywhere near an altar, but you need to either end the relationship, or RUN to a qualified counselor.  Honey, if he can “black out” like that and hurt you the way he did, whose to say that he won’t do it again not only on you, but on the kids?

Now, like I said, YOU had no right to put your hands on him either!  You should be able to express your frustrations and anger without lashing out.  I truly suggest that you either cancel or postpone this wedding and seek counseling immediately.

ABUSE IS NEVER OKAY. If you or someone you know is being abused please call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224 for support. You can also visit www.thehotline.org.

About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this address:heyvonda@thedcupdivas.com and you may get featured!