Posts tagged ‘The Man in the Middle’

September 21, 2010


by Vonda Howard

Couple mad

Hey Vonda-

Hoping you can help me with my situation.

A little background first. I’ve been with my boyfriend for quite a few years. The first few years that we were together, I was cool with his sister and it seemed like she was cool with me. I was in undergrad on my way to graduate school and she was struggling to, well not to be a bum.  She started dating this alcoholic loser who could practically be her father and her entire family shunned him. I was of the “let’s get to know him” group and so my boyfriend and I had them over for dinner. Everything was cool until it was time for them to go. Our entryway wasn’t big enough to have more than two people putting on their shoes, so my boyfriend and his sister went outside while her boyfriend remained and put his shoes on. When he was done I expected him to go outside as well, but he stood up and locked the door! He unlocked it after a couple seconds, but then kept doing it (and wouldn’t leave) until I practically kicked him out. Needless to say, I don’t feel completely comfortable around him anymore.

The next year, I needed some assistance with housing because I was not allowed to work at all during my first year of school so my boyfriend and I moved into a house that was available.  At the time, his sister wanted to move in as well, but because she wanted to bring her boyfriend, my boyfriend said no. Flash forward a year, some ugly stuff happens and it gets to the point that I move out (but my boyfriend stays) and his sister moves in.  Now my boyfriend will ONLY come to see me. Whenever I offer to reverse the situation, there  is always some excuse.  The thing that kills me is he will complain to me about her boyfriend being there and talk stuff about what he wants to do and he’ll talk to his sister while he is there, but will never kick him out (even though he has a warrant out for his arrest), but he’ll put his foot down and refuse to let me come over to the place where I called home for over a year. Am I wrong to be upset, and if not, how do I express my feelings to my boyfriend without emasculating him (I do that more often than I realize according to my boyfriend)? Please, please help because I am keeping all of this inside until I can find the best way to express my feelings.

Yours Truly,


Dear Stuck,

There is some holes in this story that would really help me fully understand what is going on (like, what was the “ugly stuff” that caused you to move out?), but I will go off what you gave me.

You may not want to hear this, but it sounds to me like he is trying to keep the peace.  I’m assuming you told him about the crazy encounter you had with his sister’s boyfriend and he knows how you feel, so it sounds to me like he is trying to keep space between you two.  I know that there had to be a bit of tension after all that went down and you both turned down his sister moving in; which puts him right smack in the middle.  I can only assume that when you guys moved into this house you were splitting the bills, so when you moved out someone had to be there to fill the void, which his sister fit perfectly.

The best thing I can tell you is to not “bust his balls”.  Sounds to me like he is trying to keep some level of peace in his life.  Is it REALLY that important that you see him at the house?  I mean, like you said, you moved out, so he has the right to decide how things go there.  Frankly, It’s probably more intimate and personal at your place because it’s just the two of you.  Why would you want to go be around them anyway if the sister’s boyfriend makes you uncomfortable?

Now, like I said, there is a chunk of info missing from your letter, so I don’t know if there are some trust issues here or what.  Has the boyfriend continued to act inappropriately towards you?  How is your relationship with his sister?

I say that you guys sit down and TALK about trying to find a happy medium that works for you both. If it’s really bothering you, you should definitely TALK to him about it because holding it in and holding your tongue will only created a wedge between the two of you.

Hope I helped!


About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this and you may get featured!

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