You Are Not The Father!

by Vonda Howard

Hey Vonda,

I am writing to you with a dilemma.  I have been with my now husband for 3 years and am very much in love.  There is just one huge cloud hanging over my head.  Three years ago when I met him, I was also still dating an on and off boyfriend.  Right at the beginning of our relationship, I got pregnant.  He didn’t hesitate to step up and it only made me fall for him harder.  The only thing he didn’t know was that I had still been sleeping with my ex and there was a very good chance that my daughter could be his.  I didn’t want to alert him when there was no need, so after my daughter was born I had a DNA test done without his knowing.  Vonda, my heart fell to a million pieces when it came back that he was not the father!  I could not bring myself to break his heart.  He had already fallen in love with her.  I did, however tell the other guy and he agreed to not say anything and let my, now husband, continue to believe she was his. He comes around often because I told my husband that he was my cousin. They have actually become good friends.

It is getting harder and harder to keep this a secret.  Her biological father is getting antsy because he wants to have a bigger role in her life and hates that she calls my husband “dada”.  What should I do, Vonda?  Should I tell him that the daughter he adores really isn’t his?  How do I even utter the words?

Dear He Is Not The Father,

All I can say is, are you serious?  I’m not sure what you want me to say here. I’m going to blunt.  You have essentially made a fool of this man.  It is obvious that he is a decent man if he didn’t ask any questions and TRUSTED YOU when you told him you were pregnant early in the relationship.  Most guys would have screamed paternity test.  (Which obviously is what he should have done!)  There is no way that you will be able to justify with me your lying to this man and letting him believe that the guy you are passing off as your cousin is actually an ex-boyfriend whom is the true father of the daughter he thinks is his.  WHAT??  I don’t have to spend a lot of time on telling you what to do, actually, I think YOU KNOW what it is you HAVE TO do.  You will have to tell this man the truth.  He deserves it.  Now, what he decides to do once you drop this bomb on him, you will just have to deal with.  It would have been much better if you had told him from the start that there was a chance this little girl wasn’t his and prevented the impending heartbreak you about to give. Also, what kind of man allows another man to “play daddy” with his child?  Either you want to be totally in your child’s life or you don’t.

I am going to be very direct when I say that you deserve for him to leave you.  Yep, I said it.  The fact that you would not only lie to him for three years, but that you would actually allow him to become friends with the man you cheated on him with and fathered the child he thinks is his is just plain low-down!  You claim that you “love” this man, but these are not the actions of a woman that truly knows what love is.  Bottom line…tell the man the truth and deal with the consequences.

Good luck,


About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this and you may get featured!

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