No Pay, No Play…

by Vonda Howard

Dad and Son

Hey Vonda,

I am the mom to 2 beautiful little boys, ages 6 and 3.  Their dad and I have recently ended our 7 year relationship and it wasn’t all that of a friendly break up.  We maintain a cordial relationship when the boys are around, but recently our “relationship” has taken a nasty turn because he has slacked off on his child support responsibilities.  For a while, I assumed he was a decent human being and would take care of his kids without the help of the courts, but he has proved me wrong.  It has been almost four months since he has given me a decent payment and he even missed two of them.  Yes, he said he lost his job and found one where he is making a lot less than he was before, but why is that MY problem?  So, I decided that if he can’t step up and be a man and take care of his kids the way he is supposed to, then he won’t see them until he does.  Am I wrong, Vonda?

No Pay, No Play

Dear No Pay, No Play,

I’m about to say somethings you may not want to hear.  YES, you are dead wrong. Frankly, it sounds to me like you are still a little pissed off at him and making him pay the price.  There are quite a few more things a man can give to his sons other than money.  In my opinion, his presence is worth a lot more.  I actually think it is a shame that with all the children that have dads that DON’T contribute and DON’T want to spend time with their kids, YOU are actually PREVENTING him from spending time with his.

Trust me, I understand the costs of taking care of kids, I have two of my own, but you cannot stop that man from seeing his children if he is making a truly conscious effort to see them and be in their lives.  Frankly, you are being petty.  Yep, I said it…petty.  If you continue this behavior where you use your kids to get back at him because you are angry, not only will your kids pay the price by not having their dad in their lives, but you will later on too.  Money doesn’t raise kids, loving and responsible parents do!

The two of you need to act like adults and sit down to come up with a payment schedule that you both can agree to.  If THEN it still doesn’t work, you can go ahead and take it to the courts, but let that man see his boys!  Why not set an example of mutual respect and cooperation for them?  Don’t put them in the middle of your romantic relationship!


About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this and you may get featured!

3 Responses to “No Pay, No Play…”

  1. I completely agree with you on this Vonda… I am part of a large family(and hope one day to have one of my own..), and even though there have divorces between husbands and wives, never does that consecrate into divorces between fathers and their children. I empathise that the funding he’s providing may not be what you expected… However you must take into consideration that he’s had to adjust to much lower income and the previous agreement may not allow him ability to sustain himself, let alone the children. Too many women I know look at household support as a means to treat themselves, a.k.a. splurge the mall and neglect it’s actual purpose, which is too make sure you can provide the children with home foundation and provide what is NEEDED to them(decent clothes, healthcare, etc.). All this being said, no amount of money can replace the presence of their father, who children no doubt have an UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for. If nothing else their father can provide them with his love and show them how to be MEN and not boys. A father or a solid male presence a.k.a. uncle or grandfather, is a role model for young male minds and will shape them into becoming responsible MEN. Bottom Line: the exclusion of their father is inexcusable and shows you still have an animosity toward him.

  2. Hey Vonda,

    I totally agree with your response. I think a lot of the time women feel that its totally okay for them to not allow the father to see the child because he won’t or is unable to pay child support. Seeing your child and providing support for your child are two totally separate issues. When it’s all said and done, the children will resent the mom because she decided to take matters into her own hands and cut the dad out of their lives. The only way that I would every cut the dad out of my child’s life is if he was being irresponsible and endangered the safety of my child in some way.

    I have been in this position before and can truly understand the frustration for this mom but I have never stopped my child’s father from seeing her because at the end of the day, he’s going to show what type of person he is…I don’t have to say a word. We did have to go to court because he would not even call to ask if our child needed anything. After we broke up he married and started taking care of a wife, that refused to work mind you, and also 4 children that were not by him! So ummm….yep I took that tail to court for child support but my child never missed seeing her dad in the process when she was supposed to.


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