Don’t Want To Mess Up A Good Thing

by Vonda Howard


It's not about the paper and the ring...or is it?

Hey Vonda!

I have a question for ya.  I have been with my woman for 6 years now and I can truly say that she is the love of my life.  For the past 2 years (after the birth of our daughter), she has been really pushing that we get married.  Honestly, I don’t see the point.  We are currently living together, share the bills, we have a daughter together (who carries my last name), we have cars, she even uses my last name too…we are already living as a married couple.  I am truly devoted to her in every way already, so what will a piece of paper change?  As far as I am concerned, she is my wife, in every way possible; both physically and spiritually.  We have a great relationship and I just think getting married would ruin what we have.  What do you think, Vonda?


Don’t want to mess up a good thing

Dear Don’t want to mess up a good thing,

This is a big question I have heard people go back and forth about a lot.  So, I am going to give you MY opinion on it.  First let’s look at the definition of marriage in the dictionary…

Main Entry: mar·riage
Pronunciation: \ˈmer-ij, ˈma-rij\
Function: noun

1 a (1) : the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.
2 : an act of marrying or the rite by which the married status is effected; especially : the wedding ceremony and attendant festivities or formalities
3 : an intimate or close union

Yes, when you look at this definition, it does, in fact, sound like exactly what you guys have together and that is fabulous.  Honestly, I think this should have been something you both should have talked about way in the beginning of the relationship.  Now, I am going to tell you that I agree with you.  Yep, that’s right.  Now, don’t call me a hypocrite because I am married and have been to the same wonderful guy for the last 14 years now, but that was a choice WE BOTH made and knew we both wanted (eventually) in the beginning of the relationship.  I do however have friends that have been together for like 10 years and are not married.  They are a lot like you and your woman; they have all the same things and do all the same things a legally married couple does.  The only thing they don’t have is the legalities of it.

To me, marriage is a spiritual commitment you make to that one special person. The paperwork is just that…paperwork.  Having the legalese does not guarantee that your relationship will stay afloat, or that either person will remain faithful,  all that comes from a inward decision within the individual.  The fact that I choose not to cheat on my husband does not center on the fact that I have a piece of paper in the files, but the fact that I love him and made a spiritual commitment to him and my family that I don’t want to break.  The rings and the pomp and circumstance are just the PHYSICAL manifestation of my SPIRITUAL commitment.

Now, I am going to play devil’s advocate for sec.  For her, getting married is the icing on the cake.  Yes, she has a wonderful man and she loves you more than anything, but getting married brings it all to a wonderful finality for her.  It will allow her to put it on display before God and everyone you both love. Yes, she is already using your name, but this would make it (and her) official.  Not saying you even have to have the huge ceremony and make a huge deal of it.  You can go to the court house or have a very private and intimate ceremony.  For her, it is the ultimate show of your love and devotion to her and your daughter.

I honestly cannot tell you what to do in this situation.  It ultimately comes down to a stalemate.  It all depends on how important this issue is to both of you.  It’s stands on whether or not you are willing to make the woman you love happy and have the ceremony or risk losing her (depending on how important this is to her) and this wonderful relationship.

God luck to you both!


About the Author: Vonda Howard is the author of the new hot book series, The D-Cup Divas™, a graphic designer of her own graphic design firm, Cupcake Creative Studio, mom to two, wife to her one and only and a domestic goddess (not really…LOL). She does not profess to be an expert, but just that one opinionated girlfriend you go to for the straight nitty-gritty. So just relax and enjoy. ;o) Do you have a question? Send it to this and you may get featured!


2 Comments to “Don’t Want To Mess Up A Good Thing”

  1. With my wife and I, I think it was more about the spiritual connection we had than NEEDING someone else’s validation of our union. As Vonda mentions, the paper and the ring are only external symbols of what we felt internally: we are a union of hearts that no man, woman or other earthly thing can lay asunder. We got married because we WANTED to, not because of some person, religion or societal obligation demanded our doing so.

    Communication is key in this situation more than in any other. Talk to one another and come to a mutual understanding and decision about when and if you will get married and then leave it alone once you BOTH agree on what to do. That’s my 2 cents…

    • Right on point Micheal! For me, it’s a matter of “if it ain’t broke. Don’t fix it.” I know that is an unpopular answer with a lot of folks, but that’s just the way I feel about it. :o)

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