Who Are You? The Final Chapter

by Donya B

“…But I can’t be alone, I need you to come on home.  I know you messing around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down? And it kills me to know how much I really love you… I wanna have his babies. ‘Cause I don’t wanna be alone, I don’t need to be on my own. And it kills me to know how much I really love you…”

I know that’s your jam, but Melanie Fiona’s “It Kills Me” is the Doormat Anthem of the Year.

I’m not even going to go into the Pros and Cons of this quadrant because there are no Pros.  It is critically important to not only recognize this mindset, but do everything in your power to pull yourself or anyone you truly love out of it.  The Doormat isn’t a self-destructive zone like the Pleaser, it is a self-destroyed zone.  You saw the movie, “Precious”, right?  If not, please do.  It’s painful to watch, but if you really want to understand where a complete vacuum of self-esteem and social withdrawal can take a person, it’s a must see.  My heart hurt through the whole movie because I couldn’t comprehend the depth of this child’s pain.  Most Doormats have experienced some kind of deep hurt.  The problem, however, isn’t in receiving the hurt, it’s in absorbing it and grafting it into your mind.  Once you believe you are what they said you are, or that your pain is all your fault, you lose you and become what they want you to be.

Check the lyrics above.  This woman knows her man is no good, yet, she doesn’t think she can do any better?  She so desperately doesn’t want to have a relationship with herself that she would create children with this loser so that she doesn’t have to be alone? It’s as though she believes she is a worse monster than he is, so she avoids facing herself!  But she calls that “love”… Need and love are two different things, and this even goes beyond need.  This is addiction.  She thinks she feels good with him, she knows she feels bad without him, so she thinks she needs to stay with him to feel good.  That’s addiction.  Doormats are relationship addicts.  Pain junkies. Abuse victims.  These are people who have lost all hope in themselves and rely on outside forces to validate them.

IF YOU SEE YOURSELF IN THIS QUADRANT, GET OUT NOW!! Find out what it is that you despise so much about yourself and address it.  Someone told you that you were fat, ugly and stupid.  Are you?  If you believe you are, change it!  If you know you aren’t, then why are you living in that lie?  Turn on the light and see who you really are!  Someone told you that you wouldn’t amount to a damn thing in life.  Do you believe it? Have you?  Then do something about it!  (God don’t make junk; prove Him right!) Someone abused you.  Does that make you worthless or broken?  Would you do the same thing to yourself?  Then let go of that relationship and have one with yourself. If you see your mate in this quadrant, by all things Holy, please stop treating them the way you do and help them make a change.  If you don’t want them to change, leave them alone and seek help for yourself.

World’s Biggest Truffle:  The first step in healing is love.  I love you.  Go heal.

About Donya: Donya Vaughn is a So Cal native, collegiate of San Diego State University and graduate of the University of Life, mastering in “Wow, That Was Harder Than It Needed To Be”. Known to her close friends as “The Walking Encyclopedia”, Donya prides herself in being helpful, knowledgeable and ready to serve. She uses these traits along with unwavering optimism and Christian good spirit regularly as owner and consultant of As You Like… Wedding & Event Services.


One Comment to “Who Are You? The Final Chapter”

  1. You know reading this has really spoken to me. I often find myself fitting in the doormat quadrant, maybe even in between two. This is a scary place to be and I am trying to get out. Thank you for putting it out there. I admire this post.

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