Who Are You? Pt. 3

by Donya B

Everybody wants one, everybody has been one and for the most part, it’s not a bad quadrant to hang out in.  But being in too deep can be detrimental. Welcome to the world of The Pleaser…

Pros: Caring, nurturing, responsible, friendly, warm-spirited, intelligent but modest about it, resourceful, giving, creative.

Cons: Insecure, self-destructive, open book, easily emotionally bruised, needy, clingy, relationship saboteur.

Is that it?  Well yes, because I wanted to spend the space on understanding the Pleaser, not defining it.   I worked with a young lady who was going through a rough patch – recently divorced, young children, laid-off from a good job but working part-time at my job.  She was a very personable, friendly, beautifully curvy young woman, but something was missing.  She was too broke to try alcohol, drugs or clubbing and didn’t have the spirit to reach out to God, so instead she reached out to men.  Whoever showed her attention (read: smelled her broken esteem), she would bed.  She would go out of her way to make herself available for these less-than-gentleman callers, so far as to send her kids to a sitter overnight at the drop of his hat!

She and I talked often about her bevy of babes on her online sites and how much they wanted her.  At one point, she’d counted 17 guys that wanted to “go out” with her.  Having a picture of her azz as her profile picture I’m sure had something to do with that.  She didn’t see the path of destruction she was on, she just saw that she was popular and less alone.  What she didn’t realize was that she was still lonely.  Where did it end? When she let one of her “friends” into her heart and her world and he took rampant advantage of her need to please. He bankrupted her – emotionally and financially.

I talk to her every now and again and she’s doing better.  Not seeing anyone (so she says), rebuilding her life, spending more time with her kids and she’s gone back to school and church.  What she realized was that while she lived for taking care of other people, she was neglecting herself.  She wasn’t as important as them because they could do something for her that she couldn’t do for herself.  Who knows what that “something” was, but she believed it existed and it was worth putting herself out for.  Once she realized she was worth something, her attitude turned around.  She’s still a Pleaser, but not as destructive of one.  She still does things for others, but they’re for the good.  Her body is no longer her only form of courtesy; she gives from her heart and mind now too. Her self-esteem is rising and she’s on her way to balanced.

I saw a lot of myself in her and that’s what made me sad.  Not just because I knew where she was headed, but because I’d let myself get there at one time too.  Do you also see yourself in her story? Do you see where you have the opportunity to be, do, want and strive for better? Then get out there and achieve it!

Big Gooey Truffle:  Pleasers are wonderful people who can make an awesome difference in this world of egomaniacs; you just have to know who YOU are first!


About Donya: Donya Vaughn is a So Cal native, collegiate of San Diego State University and graduate of the University of Life, mastering in “Wow, That Was Harder Than It Needed To Be”. Known to her close friends as “The Walking Encyclopedia”, Donya prides herself in being helpful, knowledgeable and ready to serve. She uses these traits along with unwavering optimism and Christian good spirit regularly as owner and consultant of As You Like… Wedding & Event Services.

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